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2010-07-25T06:24:00.001+08:00

Eclipse – Love to death or love for death?

2010-07-25T05:38:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="250" caption="Bella being loved to death."][/caption]

We all know that Stephenie Meyer has revolutionised the world once again with the success of David Slade’s directed movie, ‘Eclipse’. But what exactly has Eclipse revolutionised?

One reporter shares with us an interview he conducted with self-proclaimed Sarong Party Guy and die-hard Twilight fan Bella Sun.

Reporter: What makes Eclipse so revolutionary?

Bella: I think it is, like, the white vampire guy…you know, that hot white one…what’s his name?

Reporter: Edward Cullen?

Bella: Yes! Edward. He is so hot…and so white… I would like, totally marry him.

Reporter: …but aren’t you a guy?

Bella: Sir Edward deserves the right to choose who he wants to marry, and he wants to marry me. Or are you, like, trying to say that guys cannot marry Edward? You homophobe!

Reporter: (mumbling) Oh, no, no…you got it all wrong. I, uhh…

Bella: …

Reporter: What is it about Edward Cullen that you like?

Bella: Well, he is hot, and white...very white. And he is dead. He is, like, so dreamy…I will never fall for another living man ever again.

Reporter: What about Jacob Black? He is known to be Edward Cullen’s hottest rival.

Bella: (Grabs a dog and strangles it) What about Jacob Black? Are you seriously, like, expecting me to date a dog? No! Do you have, like, no moral codes? Like c’mon. He isn’t even white. Maybe if he was dead…but he is, like, so not my type.

Reporter: (franticly reaches for the dog) okay, okay…relax, Mister–uhh...–Miss Sun. Please let go of doggy over there, he’s innocent.

Bella: (checks the reporter out) Wow. You’re pretty hot yourself when you’re so nervous, you know?

Reporter: (gulp) I beg your pardon?

Bella: (caresses reporter) I mean your face is starting to turn, like, white. I like white people. Don’t you?

Reporter: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today-

Bella: You’re starting to look like my very own Edward Cullen. I might even fall for you. If only you were dead…but don’t worry. I will fix that.

Reporter: Hey, where did you get that? Oh my God…

(Sound of shoes shuffling on the floor)

Reporter: Be careful with that thing! You might hurt somebody when you swing it like that. Someone might even end up dea-… SECURITY!

...

For the first time in history, many die-hard Twilight fans, like Bella Sun, are literally making their partners die hard. Now, if your mommy won’t let you out at twilight, you know what is at fault.

Eclipse – Love to death or love for death?

2010-07-25T05:38:00.000+08:00

...

Spain Victorious – Parrots Hunted to Near Extinction

2010-07-13T03:24:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Spain emerges victorious with only minor casualties"][/caption]

SINGAPORE: Following the results of Spain’s 1-0 win against Holland in the FIFA World Cup, parrots all around the world are being hunted to near extinction.

In a reliable announcement issued by The Dhism Times, it said that this global phenomenon was the direct result of Singapore’s ‘Mani the Parakeet’s' inaccurate prediction of Holland winning the World Cup.

Flash mobs of varying sizes all over the world are starting to rampage through bird parks and nature reserves to slaughter every parrot in sight. At the rate the parrots are being killed, it is estimated that parrots will be extinct by the end of the week. The National Bird Protection Dutch Committee classified this as an emergency code green genocide.

Environmental Activist and known Dutch Supporter Shanice voices her opinion, “It just can’t be helped. The parrots are starting to disrupt the natural flow by lying to us with their false predictions. It just can’t be helped. They have to die. Can’t be helped… It just cannot be helped…”

Because of Singapore’s lack of guns, this movement proved to be an unwelcome challenge for Singaporeans as they had to make do with killing parrots with mere knives. Unfortunately, this has lead to several casualties when civilians slaughter each other in their futile attempt. The total death toll has amounted to a total of 343 people and counting.

Social experts claim that the people only had themselves to blame for believing in birdbrains. The so-called experts are still in the process of having a little talk with angry mobs with torches and knives.

This is only the latest of the two most shocking casualties attributed to the World Cup. The first being North Korea’s 23 player purge as a result of being pummelled 7-0 by Portugal.

On the other hand, ‘Paul the Octopus’ is being hailed as the better animal for accurately predicting Spain’s win in the World Cup Finals. The UN is currently holding talks to ban the sale of Takoyaki in the name of Paul and his brethren. Definitely a stark contrast to the way his feathery friend is being treated.

Spain Victorious – Parrots Hunted to Near Extinction

2010-07-13T03:24:00.000+08:00

Pop

2010-07-12T04:24:00.001+08:00

Basically, this is just a post on pops. It goes like this...
Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pip, ooops Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop

Morphing the Merlion

2010-06-29T13:28:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Just a rough draft of my idea of a Merlion story that I'm supposed to do for my group project. Credits to Janna, Zany and Nicholas for the plot.

Morphing the Singing Lion

There once lived a lion named Morphing who was very good at singing. However, he did not have a mane, and was thus always bullied for looking like a lioness. He lived everyday ostracised by his pride, and everyday, he sang to a Tembusa tree to pour out all his sorrows.

One day, Morphing lost it. A screw came a little lose in his head from all the pressure and he started talking to the Tembusa tree.

“Wise old Tembusa,” Morphing cried, “Why must I look like a transsexual? How can I get a mane?”

All of a sudden, the trunk of Tembusa tree started cracking, forming what seemed to be facial features. Then the gap in the trunk began to mouth and voice out the words. “The SingTel mobile customer is currently unavailable-“ The tree paused, “The Deity of the Ocean is busy. Proceeding to troubleshoot. Step 1: Transferring the call to the Devil of Lightning.”

Morphing was in awe. He could no longer sing to the sorrows of transcending gender, but began singing in hopes of a miracle service only an unholy being can provide.

The Devil’s Contract

Then, a deep, booming voice sounded form within the Tembusa tree. “O’ insignificant being, I will grant you your wish.”

The Tembusa tree began to wither as the thunder groaned in the darkening sky.

“But on a condition,” the Devil’s infamous ‘but’ surfaces as he decides to play a practical joke on the feminine Prince of the animal kingdom, “you have to swim to the middle of the Pacific Ocean and scream ‘I am a girly-boy’ three times.”

“Okay!~” Morphing sang enthusiastically.

The Devil of Lightning was shocked at Morphing’s level of conviction and vanished back into his hole in the Tembusu tree.

As soon as Morphing felt that the devil’s presence was gone, he started running towards the southern shore eagerly, hopeful of finally attaining what he has had always wished for.

‘A mane at last! The other male lions will finally stop flirting with me after today. Mark my words.”

The Deity’s Contract

By dawn, Morphing reached the Southern shores of Temasek after getting lost several times in the dense jungle. But then, he encountered a problem - he did not have the ability to swim.

‘Curses! If only I had a fish tail to swim to the middle of the ocean.’ Morphing thought as he began to give up hope.

Out of the blue, a blue mist shrouded Morphing’s vision and the Deity of the Sea appeared in front of him.

“Tembusa left me a voice message. It appears you have been tricked by the Devil of lightning.” The divine being spoke. “But do not fear, I have the perfect solution.”

“Hey wait- no! I don’t want a fish tail. I can swim! Wait! Wait-“

“Too late.”

And hence the lion lost all its limbs and ended up with an unsightly tail.

The Manly Girly-Boy

With his newly acquired asset, the mutant of a lion made his way to the middle of the Ocean. Morphing swished through the relentless waves of the ocean at incredible speed with his strong back tail until his goal was within sight.

What a sight it was – hundreds of animals were gathering about the middle of the ocean, all fighting for a spot in precisely the geographical centre of the ocean – all of which looked out of the ordinary. The ducks hadn’t a beak, the dogs hadn’t ears, the pigs hadn’t noses. The only thing they all had in common was that they had an enormous fish tail attached to their behinds.

‘What freaks…’ Morphing thought as he scorned in disgust.

Morphing wasted no time in pushing his way to the middle of the ocean and roaring ‘I am a girly boy’ at the top of his lungs.

“I am a girly-boy!” The crowd followed in symphony following the lion’s lead. “I am a girly-boy! We are girl-boys!!!”

At that second, a storm of thunderbolts rained down on the girly-boys in the middle of the ocean. When the commotion has settled, Morphing found that he had a mane around his head. In his excitement, he looked around and saw that the other animals, too, had undergone a huge change. All of them grew manes! And all of them were dead. That was when it struck him: He was the only girly-boy left alive. No – he has become a manly girl-boy.

Double-Double-Cross

Morphing swam back to Temasek in high spirits. The thought of finally being accepted into the pride was a euphoria he has always longed for. Unfortunately, at the shores of Temasek, he encountered another obstacle in the way of his pursuit of happiness. He realised that he could not walk on land, as he hadn’t any limbs.

Morphing cried as he realised his hopes were dashed. The sky turned grey almost as if a symbol of contempt of sorrow as the lone lion sang his sorrows out by the shore.

Then, Morphing was struck by lightning.

“Argh!” Morphing groaned as he cursed his jinxed life. “Why am I so unlucky?”

Then, Morphing was struck by lightning a few more times. Then, the Devil of Lightning appeared before him.

“That’s weird, he didn’t die.” The Devil eyes widened in shock. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter now.” He decided after looking at Morphing’s sorry state before disappearing into thin air.

Just then, a local doctor noticed the commotion and had rushed to the scene. There he saw Morphing in his near-death state, and he realised what he had to do. Without hesitation, he put his medical equipments aside and began erecting a humongous sculpture atop the fallen freak of a lion and named the sculpture the ‘Merlion’.

When Morphing finally woke up, he realised that he was stuck within the gigantic structure. He struggled to break out of his predicament, but to no avail. Without his limbs to help him, he couldn’t move.

All Morphing could do was to spit from its mouth into the ocean in hopes of getting the attention of the Deity of the Ocean so that he could magically reclaim his limbs. The Deity of the Ocean was annoyed at this display of utter disrespect, hence asked the Devil of Lightning to ‘tie up the loose ends’.

And so Morphing was worshiped as the legendary Merlion who is constantly under attack by lightning. And spits a constant stream of water.

END

Morphing the Merlion

2010-06-29T13:28:00.000+08:00

Political Warfare in a Karaoke Lounge

2010-06-28T08:04:00.001+08:00

Host:

(Pats Microphone) We are bringing to you live coverage of a debate from beyond the doors of the karaoke lounge. This programme is brought to you by the same people who brought to you the debate, which is the same person who’s talking to you now. Without further ado, let’s get on with it!

Morality: Is it morally unacceptable to for organisers to reclaim their monetary losses as a result of the planning of such social assemblies?

Proposition:

Yes

Guests should not be made to pay. It is morally unacceptable. Nobody told us that we had to pay money for attending this event. You say that organisers should be allowed to reclaim some of the money for making the event a success, but we only came in later, and missed out on the earlier events. It is unfair to make us pay when we haven’t seen the food from the barbeque.

Floor: Hey, we paid although we didn’t eat too! Show him the food! That will solve everything.

Opposition:

No

Going back on your argument before, you state that organisers should not make guests pay for the event. However, it is noteworthy that you were not invited to this event in the first place. Doesn’t this ironic comment seem to infringe on moral norms? Using this as a benchmark, there shouldn’t be a moral issue with organisers merely reclaiming monetary resources from the people.

Policies: Should organisers of social assemblies be denied the right to decide the amount payable?

Proposition:

Yes

Hang on let’s go back to what you were saying. I am an uninvited guest? I was invited by my friend, who was invited, which makes me an invited guest. You’re not an organiser yourself, and you’re demanding payment from me. Doesn’t that make you the worst type of hypocrite?

By going along with your little hypothesis, then if I were a terrorist and I was ordered by my friend to kidnap a boy for use in interrogation, it would be morally correct to demand payment from the boy for bringing him to an organised event. That’s ridiculous.

Opposition:

No

You’re getting off topic, but that’s to be expected. You’re obviously someone who lives a life leeching off others and can’t do anything by yourself for nuts. Don’t you realise the topic has moved on to Policies? We should be talking about that.

However, just to satisfy your puny mind, I will dumb myself down so that even you would understand. You completely misunderstand what I’m saying: I’m saying you should pay a minimal fee for participating in the event. And your argument about terrorism is ludicrous. Kidnapping shouldn’t be allowed in the first. We wouldn’t want our kids disappearing all of a sudden because of a madman wearing a mask. Moreover, kidnapping isn’t a primary school gathering event.

The majority rules in a democracy. Nobody shows up for an event uninvited and not expect to pay for anything, everyone on the floor has paid, why shouldn’t you? Majority is the best – to hell with the rest.

Floor: Where is the love… Where is the love, the love, the love…

Human Right: Should such economic policies be seen as an infringement of basic human rights and hence be treated accordingly?

Proposition:

Yes

Are you serious? Just because everyone has paid then I should pay? You dictator! As a member of Al Qaeda, I dare say people like you are often the first to be assassinated. I bet you were picked on by your monitors in school, didn’t you? I know people like you - Knife-toting loan sharks who think they run the world. It is @%$ holes like you who make the government open the Casino in Sentosa.

Opposition:

No

Oh, of course you would be a damned terrorist! And how dare you attack our most prided tourist attraction? Our government is introducing a major source of income for our country and all you do is sit there whining while you’re freeloading off others in poverty. You bomb-carrying, murderous rebel!

Floor: Oh! Baby, baby, baby… Oh~

Social Security: Are the police justified in disregarding such policies taking into consideration its legitimate foundation?

Proposition:

Yes

F$*% you! You stupid, blue-font daylight robber!

SFX – Pow!

I should have expected morons like you to resort to violence!

SFX – Bom! Bom!

Ouch - hey! Where did that umbrella come from? Ouch!

SFX – Piack! Piack! Piack!...

SFX – Bom! Bom!...

Ah! Save me!

Save me...

Save me…

Host: This concludes our show for tonight! (Wields microphone)

SFX – Bam! Pfssh… Pfssh… Bam!

Political Warfare in a Karaoke Lounge

2010-06-28T08:04:00.000+08:00

Host:

Save me...

Save me…

Host: This concludes our show for tonight! (Wields microphone)

SFX – Bam! Pfssh… Pfssh… Bam!

It wasn't Raffles

2010-06-13T18:50:00.000+08:00

Changing a Spare Tire

2010-05-26T20:09:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Sometimes, you just know that it is time to change a spare tire."][/caption]

Changing a Spare Tire

If you have ever gotten stuck on a narrow road with a spare tire and were blocking the traffic, you would have obviously felt the burden of being a nuisance to commuters. Don't you wish you had the ability to change your spare tire without the help of specialists? Changing a Spare Tire is an invaluable skill for everyone to have-especially if you happen to be obese.

Step 1: Safety First

Now, most amateurs would advise that you move out of passing traffic, onto a hard, flat surface before you begin working. This is almost always a bad idea, as there is a potential someone in the passing traffic would be able to help, and they won’t help unless you’re in the way. So, the most important thing to do would be to first manoeuvre yourself so that you’re blocking as much traffic as possible.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="80" caption="Meet the Jack... Feel the Jack... Use the Jack."][/caption]

Step 2: The Jack

The Jack is a very important tool in removing spare tires. Jacks are fairly common and can be easily found among the commuters in the passing traffic. Obtain a Jack and place the Jack under your spare tire. Make the Jack raise your spare tire to a height that is supporting, but not lifting your spare tire. Ensure that Jack is firmly placed beneath your spare tire.

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[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="180" caption="The nutwrencher. Ouch."][/caption]

Step 3: Loosening the Nuts

With the support of the Jack, you may then proceed to loosen your nuts. This is usually done by turning the nuts anti-clockwise with a nut wrench. But if you’re less hard-core and are unable to find a nut wrench, you can also do it with your hands. Beware, however, that doing it with your hands is tedious and is known to cause self-inflicted agony.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Cranking the Jack"][/caption]

Step 4: Lifting the Spare Tire Entirely

The next step involves making the Jack lift your spare tire entirely off the ground. This can be achieved in two ways: pumping or cranking the Jack. Pumping involves the use of applying forceful pressure to the Jack to make it lift your spare tire higher. Cranking involves turning the Jack like a toy until it is cranked so much that it lifts your spare tire higher.

Step 5: Removing the Nuts

This is the hardest part yet. However, if you follow this guide accordingly, removing your nuts can be a painless, life-changing, moral transcending experience. Proceed to turn your nuts in the anti-clockwise direction with the same method you used in Step 3 until it comes off completely.

Step 6: Removing the Spare Tire

With your nuts holding your spare tire in place removed, it is finally time to remove your spare tire. Make sure the Jack is in a stable, supporting position before proceeding. Clasping your spare tire with both hands, forcefully rip off your spare tire by pulling as hard as you can.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Warning: The lack of a spare tire attracts more women. Be prepared."][/caption]

Congratulations…

for still being alive! You have successfully removed your spare tire, but your journey doesn’t end here. In fact, your journey has just begun. From here, you can proceed to put on a spare tire again or even start helping other people remove their spare tires.

Changing a Spare Tire

2010-05-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

Project Group Leader

2010-04-21T15:37:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="250" caption="One day you'll look back and realise that your time as a Project Group Leader is the best time of your life."][/caption]

Working on a project in a group is a chore students have to deal with in many occasions of their supposed learning journey, but with every project group, there will always be an intellectually-evolved student who watches over the others while playing games on his PSP- the Project Group Leader. When you find yourself in a situation where you are assigned as a project group leader, you should be proud to inherit the inherent aptitude your position potentially possess. Although a project group leader's traditional job is to receive the rage of the lecturers and transferring the torment to the bottom of the project food chain, this may be changed with careful planning. When you play your cards right, everyone would be fighting amongst each other while you would be clinching that A and your Porch hence thereof.

Project Group Slaves

The students who would be working towards your A, known as the project group slaves, are your minions whose only skill needed is the ability to follow your orders blindly without expecting returns of any sort. However, their ease of replacement doesn't dismiss the advantages of choosing the optimum slaves.

Choosing the right project group slaves:

Nothing makes your life easier than to have blind followers smart enough to get you your A without you having to beat down the smart into them. There is bound to be some valuable pawns amidst all the trash just waiting to be your slave, you just have to know which to pick. For this, we can run a simple exercise to rule out the best candidate out of the rest of the trash.

Potential Slave 1: A geeky-looking straight A student in your class. She has never failed to ace a single test in her life. However, she was kicked out of her previous group because she was too irksome (teenage dispute) and was getting onto her group’s nerves. She once got into a violent argument with you insisting that the North Pole is colder than the South Pole.

Potential Slave 2: Some hippie who reeked of crack. He seemed like a cool guy, pulling off the cyclops hairstyle while smoking a cigarette. Surprisingly, he’s smart, being one of the top students in school. Moreover, he became the captain of the debate team after winning a debate against the ex-captain. He is known to work very well in a group, leading his team to achieving a Gold for the debating competition.

Potential Slave 3: An inconspicuous introvert that barely anyone in school knows the name of. Your lecturers often miss out his name during attendance taking. The few friends he has commented that he is diligent, further adding that he spends half of his day everyday of his life studying. Unfortunately, this isn’t reflected in his grades and he is thus left without much credit for his hard work. He has an untainted, kind heart that often does more harm than good. He often run errands for people fortunate enough to notice his existence.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Loners are the best catch as they turn out to be devoted friends and are therefore easily manipulated."][/caption]

Potential Slave 2 is the ideal choice for the conventional project group. All the same, Potential Slave 2 does not go very well with your grand scheme. His background of being a debater alone leaves you at a disadvantageous position with his innate ability to argue and question your judgement. What more, he has a reputation of overthrowing leadership positions in the debating team, which leaves you more prone to a coup d’etat. He’s going to be a troublemaker. Potential Slave 1 is the best option of the three. Potential Slave 3 is an inferior choice but his pushover attitude can be exploited. You may keep Potential Slave 3 on hand to replace any of your other slaves in case they fall dead due to overwork. It doesn't matter if your slave is extremely irritating. You will not be the one having to work with her for whole days.

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[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Lecturers are your project provider, friend and scapegoat all in one."][/caption]

Lecturers

Effectively dealing with the lecturers is an important part of being a good project group leader. Considering your lecturers are usually cooped up in their office doing work unrelated to the project you are working on, it is fairly easy to complete this meagre task. To do this, a project group leader must play on the fact that he is essentially the primary channel of communication between the lecturers and the rest of the project group slaves. As far as your project group slaves are concerned, whatever you tell them to do is under the direct instructions of your lecturers- no hard feelings, just doing your job. This allows you to not only transfer your apparent stress of being a group leader upon them, but also ensures that you will not be the immediate source of anger release when one of your project group slaves shows up in school with a knife one day.

You’re almost done

With the proper techniques in your arsenal, you can now manage and deal with projects confidently in the new age. Pick up a project and some disposable working dolls and you’re all set to drive off on your brand new Porch!

Project Group Leader

2010-04-21T15:37:00.000+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="250" caption="One day you'll look back and realise that your time as a Project Group Leader is the best time of your life."][/caption]

Project Group Slaves

Choosing the right project group slaves:

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Lecturers are your project provider, friend and scapegoat all in one."][/caption]

Lecturers

You’re almost done

Human

2010-03-29T23:42:00.001+08:00

The human (sometimes referred to as Homos-apiens) is a sophisticated form of a monkey.

Humans have highly developed brains capable of language, argument and argument in different languages. This mental capability, coupled with the proper use of bending religious teachings, a steady supply of unfortunate children in military camp and a bag packed with bombs forms the basis of human problem solving.

Humans are most well-known for their desire to modify the environment to fit their needs through the use of science. This natural desire to satisfy their needs has inspired humans to produced countless technological masterpieces leading to successes such as the global warming phenomena.

Like most monkeys, humans are social by nature. In fact, humans are sociable to the extent that they create complex social classes of which a single human, often one with a squarish moustache, stands on the top. This social structure is largely accepted as an effective method of global problem solving among humans.

Evolution

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The evolution chain of the human."][/caption]

Human evolution is characterised by a number of morphological changes. The most notable of such morphological change is the humans' reduced upper body strength which is accommodated by the development of a less-than-optimal-shaped body. And the addition of a permanent fast food product in hand.

The scientific study of human evolution usually refers to the development of tools. From the humble beginnings of spear throwing to the dropping of the atomic bomb, human evolution has presented mankind with an improved ability to solve problems, reproduce and repeat the cycle again with more advanced tools.

Art and Literature

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Literature is often used to showcase creativity and convey ideas"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Art distinguishes humans from other species"][/caption]

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Artistic works have been present for as long as humankind. Art is one of the most unique aspects of human behaviour which distinguishes humans from other species.

In addition to art, humans also use literature, often in the form of writing, to showcase their creativity. Through the use of the written language, humans have been used to effectively convey ideas. Literature has very diverse uses, from casual leisure to problem solving.

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Colours

Colour vision is one of the many characteristics a human boasts of. This feature results in humans having a natural tendency to relate to colours unconsciously. This impulse is observed so often that it is even shown in the way humans categorise themselves, e.g.: whites, blacks and yellows.

Scientific studies show that colours have a big impact on our daily lives, that it can influence our emotions and even actions towards others. It is no surprise many humans believe in the symbolism of colours. It is said that the colour white symbolises life: being associated with slavery and diplomatic threats, always being in command of another life. The colour black symbolises grief. This is why black is often the first option that comes to mind when it comes to tools to be used in the front-line of wars. The colour yellow symbolises the warmness of the sun. This is why yellow hammers and sickles are often seen caught on fire during street demonstrations.

Natural Habitat

The humans lives on what they have concluded to be the safest planet in the solar system- Earth.

Human

2010-03-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

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The Mysteryous Murder

2010-02-01T04:02:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The scene of the crime"][/caption]

Introduction

"Clifton! You have to get out here, something big is happening!" I yelled as I burst through the front door.

"Pipe down, Author," the detective commanded in the calmest of manners. "Tell me, what is it that intrigues you so?"

"I don't know, but there is a huge crowd gathering right outside your house-"I paused in expectancy of Clifton's change in expression due to excitement, but it never came. "And... Big crowds have got to mean something-" Clifton didn't budge. In eagerness to satisfy my curiosity, I dragged Clifton with me through the crowd where we arrived at the scene of the crime.

Murder

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="What could he be possibly trying to signal?"][/caption]

Lying on the floor staring straight at us was a man who looked like he was in deep pain. With his face cringed, he actively pointed at what looked like a stick protruding out of where all the blood was oozing out of his body. Everyone was puzzled at what the man was trying to signal. Everyone but Clifton.

"Make way," Clifton demanded, "I'm a detective."

The fan-girls fainted upon setting eyes on Clifton as he busied himself about the man. With quick wits, Clifton checked for the man's pulse. After procuring sufficient data, the detective pulled out a knife from his pocket before systematically inserting and removing the knife at numerous areas on the man's body, with the man all the while pointing at the stick-like object with diminishing intensity. Clifton then proceeded to check for the man's pulse again before arming himself with an injector filled with a white liquid and injecting it into the man's body. I watched in admiration as I observed the genius at work. It was truly an honour to be the sidekick of the town's most prestigious detective.

"It appears that the man is dead." Clifton proclaimed. The crowd gasped in symphony.

"And the murder weapon is in fact this knife stuck in the man's body." Clifton forcefully removed what I once thought was a stick from the man's chest, revealing a knife. Another gasp rippled through the crowd.

"I would have never guessed!" A bystander commented in amazement. Indeed, Clifton never fails to amaze us with his clairvoyant abilities.

"I'm afraid we will have to do a thorough investigation," Clifton suggested. "But for now, we must nourish ourselves with lunch. It is already noon! After all, the body will not be going anywhere."

With that convincing argument, the crowd dispersed trampling over the fainted fan-girls adding to the total corpse count. All except for one man, Mr. Jabs, who stood petrified at the sight of his dear friend's death.

"Please, detective Clifton, you have to find the murderer." The poor man pleaded on his knees as he grabbed Clifton's arms. "John was my best friend... Even though he murdered my wife just yesterday."

Clifton gently shoved Mr Jabs aside. "Rest assured ancient citizen, the murderer will most definitely be brought to justice for detective Clifton is on the case."

The old man spent a little more time begging Clifton before we decided that we were wasting too much time. We quickly got rid of him with the help of a little tranquillizing dart and then headed for lunch.

Clue

Clifton and I were confabulating about issues unrelated to the murdered man over lunch when we were rudely interrupted by two policemen. With a tap on Clifton's shoulder, one of the policeman abruptly ended our conversation and started a new one of his own.

"Detective Clifton, we hear that you are going to be investigating the death of the late John Black." The policeman affirmed.

"Your sources are reliable, constables." Clifton answered.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="A visual image of the note in the pocket of John's coat."][/caption]

The policeman then reached into his pocket to pull out a note. "Well, we found this note in the pocket of John Black's coat and we believe that it is a vital clue pertaining to the man's murder." He then began to expound the note:

Dear John, I regret to inform you that due to the recent plummet in crime rate, I am on the verge of being out of my job. This and the fact that I currently owe you a million dollars has put me in a rather uncomfortable financial burden. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you will have to die in order for me to continue earning money as a detective and on a milder note, so that I will not be in a million-dollar debt. With that said, I am writing to invite you to a party at the dark alley beside my house where nobody can see you as you are being murdered. I hope to see you there! :)

Clifton then took a few seconds to digest the information before coming up with a meaningful hypothesis.

"From the note, we can safely draw three key points." Clifton explained: "One, the murderer is in a pathetic financial state. Two, the murderer lied when he said it was a party. And three, the police is doing a good job in keeping the crime rate under control."

The policemen stood jaw wide-open in awe at Clifton's immaculate hypothesis. Being Clifton's proud sidekick, I then tried to add in a few words of my own, "Hey, you missed something. At the bottom of the note, it reads 'With kind regards, Clifton'. Does that mean anything?"

"No."

"Oh."

Fortunately, the policeman cut into our awkward dialogue by adding a comment of his own. "Very well, detective. We trust that the case is safe in your hands."

"Also, to help you in your investigation, we have brought in a prime suspect for questioning." The other policeman said as he dragged a person with his upper-body wrapped in a plastic bag. "We suspect his involvement in the murder of John Black on account of his possession of weapons similar to that of the murder weapon."

"We found him hiding such weapons in his kitchen's cabinet." The policeman added. "We hope that he would be of use to you." With that, the two policeman took off as swiftly as they came in.

"That was sudden." I proclaimed. "What do we do with this person?" I then questioned as I pointed at the person struggling to remove the plastic bag that was restraining his movements.

"First, we remove the bag." Clifton suggested. And that we did, but what we uncovered beneath the plastic mess would change our lives forever.

Suspect

As we unbagged the parcel left to us by the police, the shape of the creature became progressively distinct until we can fully make out it's bodily features. Then we uncovered the strangest, most peculiarly obnoxious creature wrapped in the piece of plastic- it was a human! And not just any human. It was a human man!

"Oh my god! It is a man!" I shrieked in shock.

Clifton, in his usual composed state, unhurriedly approached the man. "Have you the faintest idea why you are here?" Clifton inquired.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The ol' back street. The place where all good happens."][/caption]

"I dunno..." The anonymous man appeared dazed. "I was helpin' me self to some of em' hospital alcohol in the ol' back street when those damn coppers showed up. Boy were they cranky. The coppers were nabbing all of em' alcohol provider when the alcohol kicked in. Next thin' I knew, it was all black and I couldn't move any o' me arms."

"Ah, clinical alcohol... Good stuff, I hear." Clifton claimed.

"Aiyee." The man confirmed. "I still have some of em' here up for some sharin' if you wanna. Hell, I'd throw in some of em' pills, too."

"Let's see what you've got." Clifton agreed. That simple yet elegant sentence then sparked a day-long party centred about alcohol and drugs.

After hours of sobering up, Clifton decided it was time to begin politely questioning our party buddy. *Ahem* Clifton cleared his throat in order to grab our attention before making eye contact with the suspect we attained from the policemen. "Did you kill John Black?"

"No."

"Okay."

It was then when the still-unnamed man took notice of the note that the policemen left us. " 'With kind regards, Clifton', eh?" The man raised an eyebrow.

At that moment, the same two policemen barged into our conversation once again. "Detective, we have a problem. The body is missing."

"Null that. We just received an update. Old man Gobbert has the body. Apparently he is trying to get rid of it." The other policeman affirmed.

"We have to stop him. Come, Author." Clifton directed. He then took a glance at the unfortunately still unnamed man before once again speaking. "This man has severe neuropsychiatric and mental instability, it is advisable to put him in a position where professional aid is easily accessible."

"...What?"

"Get him to the Mental Hospital. Take him away, boys." Clifton mandated.

The human man, still high on drugs, was then dragged away by the two policemen. "Hahaha! You'll neva' get away wit' this, you murderer. Neva', I say. Neva! Haha! HAHAHAHA!"

...

"It was rather regrettable we never got to know the name of such a good hippie with drugs, but it is all part and parcel of the life of a private eye, isn't it, Clifton?" I stated.

Clifton dodged my meaningless question, "Moving on... We have to find out what in the world Mr Gobbert is doing with the corpse."

Doughnuts

As we drove around the town randomly in hopes of finding the dead body, we wound up at the old man's house where we saw Gobbert digging a huge hole at his backyard.

"Wow, that hole looks like it is big enough to fit a man." I commented. "Just big enough to fit in that corpse behind him."

"A very deductive statement you hypothesised." Clifton praised. "The only thing you missed is that that corpse behind him is the body of the late John. But one has to question- why is Mr Gobbert, the man who has hated John since his childhood, be bent on getting rid of the body? Could he be the murderer?"

Once again, Clifton's brilliant questions got me thinking, but I couldn't take the weight of such a heavy question. My body started heating up and I began to perspire profusely. My head was starting to crack. Every muscle in my body was twitching as if to tell me to get out of this uncomfortable position. I was starting to break down. "Boy, doughnuts would sure come in handy in times like this." I murmured to myself.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Clifton has solved the mystery!"][/caption]

"Doughnuts! That's it, Author! Doughnuts!" Clifton yelled in excitement, as if he has managed to solve the case. "Get the doughnuts and meet me at the Mental Hospital at 1000 hours. Remember to get the doughnuts. It is very important that you do. Now, step on it!"

As confused as I was, Clifton's stirring speech ignited a burning passion within me and I was ready to do my part in solving the case. With as much strength as I could muster, I slammed my right foot onto the pedal. "OUCH!" I screamed. Alas, I was in the passenger's seat and I had unintentionally stepped on my left foot instead.

Clifton stared at me with a puzzled expression. "What are you doing? You don't have time to waste with self-inflicted injuries. Get out of the car. You're making your way there by foot."

And thus began my journey to solve the mystery of the murder of John Black.

Indie Investigation

Making my way halfway across town towards the doughnut shop, I kept myself occupied by asking myself three questions that I could find no answer to- Why does Clifton need the doughnut? How is the doughnut related to solving the case? Is Mr Gobbert the murderer?

When I finally arrived at the doughnut shop at approximately 0800 hours, I realised that I didn't know which flavour of doughnut Clifton needed. With quick wits, I decided that I'd buy one of everything available in the shop.

"Wow, I haven't had anyone buy so many doughnuts since Mr Jabs. What's the occasion?" The shopkeeper commented.

"Nah, it's nothing... Just a little crime solving." I boasted. "What was it about Mr Jabs you were saying again?" I asked casually.

The shopkeeper giggled before answering my question, "Mr Jabs frequents this store very often and orders the doughnuts in huge bulks all the time too. The amount of work I have to put in to get the all the doughnuts ready is humongous, almost murderous"

'Murderous, huh...' I thought to myself. 'Jabs. Murderous. Doughnuts.' It was all starting to make sense to me.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="I have solved the mystery!!!"][/caption]

"That's it! Mr Jabs is the murderer of John Black!" I bellowed. "I have to report this to Clifton immediately!"

I told the shopkeeper to put it on the tabs before rushing out of the store to catch the first taxi I saw.

The doughnuts, the Jabs, the murder, everything seemed to fall into place so nicely. So that was why Clifton wanted me to get the doughnuts, to set the stage for me to solve the case. However, in spite of the euphoria of solving the case all by myself, I know that my part to play wasn't over yet. I may have solved the case, but I have yet to convey my realisation to Clifton.

Clifton Finally Closes the Case

When I arrived at the Mental Hospital, I saw that the everyone has already been gathered at the lounge awaiting my arrival. Mr Jabs, Gobbert, the unnamed man (now clothed in a straight jacket) and the usual two conversation-cutting policemen were all seated in a circle, leaving an empty seat in middle for me.

"Take a seat, Author." Clifton gestured, "Now, I suppose we all know why we're all gathered here today." Everyone in attendance nodded their heads slightly in reaction to Clifton's statement.

Clifton continued, "As we all know, the murder of John Black is still largely a mystery thus far. Let us present all the clues available to us: John was killed at approximately 0400 hours on Wednesday morning. The murder weapon was without a doubt a 26cm knife, and was delivered with a stab to the centre of the chest. However, the autopsy on John's body also concludes that there was a potentially fatal amount of Potassium Cyanide in John's body which would have otherwise killed him had he still been alive after being stabbed in the chest. Compiling all these clues, I have drawn that the murderer oh John Black is amongst us. And the murderer is..."

I shot a cold glance at the direction of Mr Jabs before standing up and shouting, "Mr Jabs!"

Clifton looked puzzled. "No he's not. You are the murderer."

"B-but, the doughnuts, and the Jabs, and the murder. He has got to be the murderer!" I argued. "Wait, what? I'm the murderer?"

"Oh, the doughnuts are for me. I have yet to thank you for that. Thank you." Clifton shoved a piece of paper into my hands discreetly and placed a microphone in front of me. "Anyway, you have to stick to the script!"

As I held out the piece of paper on one hand, I began to read into the microphone from the piece of paper, "Indeed, it is I, Author, who have murdered John in the early morning of Wednesday. I was in a pathetic financial state and decided to lie about having a party in order to kill John. Also, the police is doing a good job in keeping crime under control."

Everyone was dumbstruck. Clifton then prevaricated in awe, "He hit all three of the key points I drew up from the murder note. Why, I never."

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Dumb detective."][/caption]

Clifton winked at me. I went on reading the rest of the writing on the piece of paper. "Yes, and I would've gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids, and that dumb detective." The two policemen then began to home in on me with handcuffs.

"With that murder confession in place, I declare this case closed." Clifton pronounced. "Goodbye, Author."

Thus closed the chapter of the mysterious murder of John Black.

-THE END-

The Mysteryous Murder

2010-02-01T04:02:00.000+08:00

Dear John, I regret to inform you that due to the recent plummet in crime rate, I am on the verge of being out of my job. This and the fact that I currently owe you a million dollars has put me in a rather uncomfortable financial burden. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you will have to die in order for me to continue earning money as a detective and on a milder note, so that I will not be in a million-dollar debt. With that said, I am writing to invite you to a party at the dark alley beside my house where nobody can see you as you are being murdered. I hope to see you there! :)

...

-THE END-

Saving Money

2010-01-09T09:18:00.001+08:00

Contrary to popular belief, money is not in abundance. In fact, the supply of money is steadily decreasing with the burning of money during recession and made worse with rapid deforestation; as more humans decide to kill forest animals with machines, more trees are lost, and hence less money can be printed. With such a huge problem in the present world, economists, physicists, inspiring businessmen and intelligent people have banded together to come up with a wise, ground-breaking philosophy of life: Sàving Monéy^tm.

Saving Money in everyday life

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Take a step into the machine of Saving Money"][/caption]

Walking

Sure, walking might seem like a simple task that just about anyone who has a life does, but what exactly is walking in terms of the philosophy of Saving Money? In accordance to the intelligent philosophy, we must always walk on machines, or rather, let the machines walk us. By doing so, we would be Saving Money. For example, by walking on a walkalator, we would be spending less energy walking and hence we would need less food to cover up for our energy loss. As a predicted result, we would then be Saving Money (on food).

Eating

Buying food in bulks is a fundamentalist policy of Saving Money as illustrated in the experimental sale of chocolates as shown below.

100g of chocolate costs $2, or $0.02/g
300g of chocolate costs $4.50, or $0.015/g
500g of chocolate costs $6, or $0.012/g

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="The mathematics of "it doesn't matter what answer you get as long as it is palindromic""][/caption]

By exploiting this loophole of decreasing price, it is theoretically possible that by purchasing a reasonably large amount of chocolate, the discount in the price of the chocolate would offset the original price of the chocolate and hence creating a glitch in the overall price of the chocolate- $0/g of chocolate. But how much would you actually have to purchase? Hired mercenaries have concluded that we would have to purchase 581,010,185kg of chocolates to be able to successfully carry out Saving Money as proven by the below equation.

kg = ∫[√(π+x)-x/x] + (x^x/x)
kg = 581,010,185

Stealing

Stealing is a daily activity often overlooked in everyday life in the aspect of Saving Money. As much as authorities and nerds would tell you stealing doesn't pay, the all-knowing Saving Money philosophy says otherwise. By stealing, one would be killing two birds with one stone. First of all, you'd be getting off with free money from the bank and therefore Saving (more) Money than you can spend. Secondly, you'd be legally guaranteeing yourself free housing for the rest of your life, therefore Saving Money on your housing rents.

Conclusion

Although practical examples have not been played out, success is nevertheless possible in the future. We can only believe that when success arrives, it would come free, and hence Sàving Monéy^tm.

Saving Money

2010-01-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

Superhero

2010-01-03T22:04:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can't."][/caption]

So you want a way to rise up, to get back at all the evil bullies who gave you wedgies in the past, to finally grab the attention of the girl you've had a crush on since you were eight, and as an added bonus, get a really cool nickname? So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can't. Being a Superhero isn't as easy as it might seem, it isn't all fun and games as you might think. But with my guidance, even you may have the chance of becoming a tiny fraction of what I am.

Super prerequisites

As much as you might whine and despise your life because of this fact, superpower is a must for superheroics. Let's look at some of the possible ways to gain superpowers:

Be born with superpowers

This is the easiest form of gaining Superhero status. Sadly, however, this method is only available to the minority of the earthly population. To gain superpowers through this means you have to either have parents who have serious genetic defects that attribute to superpowers, or, like Superman, you must come from another planet.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="This is what you'd be doing for the majority of your pre-Superhero life if you ever want to be a Superhero."][/caption]

Gain superpowers

Superpowers can be gained even if you are not born with one. Gaining superpowers is the thing of the 21st century. By merely spending most of your life experimenting with chemicals and ingesting them daily, you are sure to gain superpowers one way or the other.

Fortunately for the majority of the population who thrives to be a Superhero, there are other alternatives to superheroics than risking your life to gain superpowers.

Gain divine powers

This involves bribing certain soon-to-be fallen angels to lend you their powers but is usually granted by coming back to life after dying. But then again, this isn't very reliable because it involves you dying first, and there is no guarantee you'll be able to come back. Then again, it seems to be the most effective method of granting powers of certain death to the majority of the idiots.

Be a billionaire

Finally, the most realistic form of gaining Superhero status. This method is most accessible to the majority- becoming filthy rich. In order to become a Superhero through this method, you'd first have to inherit wealth from your murdered billionaire parents. However, although 'murdered parents' may well be in your league, 'billionaire' is probably out of your reach. On the bright side, there are many other ways to gain wealth. If your parents are billionaires, turn them into murdered parents. If your parents are not, then rob a bank. You are going to be a Superhero for the sake of the world. The bank would never mind making such a small sacrifice for a Superhero.

Damsel in distress

The thing that separates the proficient Superheroes from the sub-par posers: damsels in distress. But how exactly do you go about finding a damsel in the first place?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="It is damsels such as her which makes a Superhero what he really is."][/caption]

Finding your damsel

It is very important that you pick your damsel carefully as she'll be the one who you will be stalking for pretty much most of your superheroic time. As a guideline, your damsel would have to be either married or currently in a relationship with another man, nothing else really matters. It is against your moral codes? Too bad, this is what it takes to be a Superhero. Superman and Spiderman has been there, done that. If you want to be anything like them, then you'd just have to suck it up.

Putting your damsel in distress

Yes, although finding your damsel might be within your capabilities, finding her in distress may not. You might have stalked her for years and found that she has never been distress. She pays careful attention not to walk into any dark alleys at night or flaunt her possessions in public, just like any citizen in the right mind would. But that isn't very good for you; you are a Superhero! And you can't be a Superhero without having to save a damsel. But you can easily fix that. With your superpowers, command thugs on the street to attack your damsel. Have your minions put your damsel in distress for you. This is what being a Superhero is all about.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="You'd be facing plenty of such signs if you ever choose the nickname 'Invisibleman'."][/caption]

Super nickname

Every Superhero needs a nickname, it is what gives them a super identity - the brand of justice. As a general rule, a Superhero nickname goes by the following formula: (noun/adjective)man. Superheroes by the likes of Superman, Batman and even Spiderman have come to be successful after following this formula. However, the 21st century opens a wider possibility of nicknames. Unorthodox super nicknames such as 'Ghostrider' have proven to be fairly superheroic. Also, take note that whatever nickname you decide on, you'd have to have a matching costume, so it is not a very wise idea to choose nicknames such as 'Invisibleman'

Making your name known

It is very important that you let your name be known. After spending countless hours thinking up your name, it is all useless if nobody gets to hear of it. This is usually done by nabbing bank robbers but that would not be very likely as, other than exceptional idiots such as yourself, nobody would rob a bank. However, despots like you have other alternatives. You can be the one robbing the bank. As ironic as it might sound, you have to do that to save the bank; by being known to the public, desperate idiots would think twice before they rob the bank.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption=""You are now a Superhero.""][/caption]

Near Future

Indeed, you may now be staring at the four walls of the prison cell, or being tortured in hell, but no matter what the situation, you must always remember that you are now (at least in your mind) a Superhero. Congratulations.

Superhero

2010-01-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

What happened to your car?

2009-12-31T13:12:00.001+08:00

Hey Scrin, I haven't seen you in a while so I thought I should write to, you know, 'catch up'. Uhh... Yes, that's it- I just wanted to catch up.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Amy looks so cool. Looked so cool."][/caption]

Is your car gone?

Anyway, you know your car? Yeah, that red Merce you call Amy. Have you noticed that it has been, like, absent recently? It seems like it is no longer in your garage any more. You know, that's interesting because I noticed it is missing too. I mean, this is so mysterious. It should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. Well, about that... You see, there has been this mix-up which resulted in your car being lost and I had a very small, minute part to play in it's disappearance. Well, yeah, maybe it was kind of like partly my fault and stuff. Kind of.

I decided to borrow your car for a little while

I really didn't mean for it to happen. My friends and I were out drinking when Dave thought: "Hey, let's go, like, drink driving, man. That has got to be, like, cool." We were just about to drop that thought because we didn't have a car when I sort of suggested that we could borrow your car. I mean, we are such good buds', aren't we? So we went to your place and we wanted to ask you if we could borrow your car, but it was 2am in the morning and you were all asleep and stuff. In the end, we decided that we should just borrow it and tell you about it later.

Oh yeah, your garage door was faulty and we couldn't open it. It was like it was locked or something. But don't worry about that, we fixed that up real good for you. Well, it was kind of my idea to blow it up. But yeah, you don't have to thank me for it. It's all cool. Oh, and your car couldn't make it's way out of the door. The door was too narrow apparently. How do you get your car out of that place anyway? Well, you don't have to worry about that any more, we fixed that too.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Look at how cool lions are. You know what would be even cooler? Yes, a lion in a car!"][/caption]

I decided to pick up a lion

Since your car is cool and all, I thought I should let a lion ride with us cool kids. I mean, having the king of the jungle ride in your car would give it so much more cool points. Well, we know you'd be too much of a coward to do it so we helped you bring the lion in. Since it is your car and all, I'll let you brag about it in school. But only this once. Anyway, the lion was so cool. It was roaring and stuff, and it even tried to attack us. In fact, it sort of did attack us. It kind of pounced on Dave and it was even giving Dave love bites. Oh yeah, Dave told me not to tell anybody but after what he has done with the lion, I'm pretty sure it is okay to let the cat out of the bag- he is gay. Dave was laughing in happiness throughout the trip. Or was it screaming in agony... Hmm?

I drove your car off a cliff

Okay, don't freak out when you read this. So yeah, I kind of drove your car off a cliff. They call it the cliff of no return, but look at us, we have returned. We have, like, defied the law of words. Hahaha! Haha! Hahahaha!!!

Jokes aside, it wasn't really my fault I drove it off the cliff. You see, the lion kind of attacked me after it was done with Dave and my buds' and I decided that the only way to get rid of the lion was to drive off the cliff. Call me a genius, but I did just that and it worked. We plunged vertically downwards and we kind of lost our consciousness somewhere during that time. But there is good news! I am alive right now. I know, it's a blessing right?

When I woke up though, there were bones and blood everywhere and the lion was gone. Mysterious isn't it? But not as mysterious as your car being missing as well. Anyway, the point is your car went missing somewhere between the time I lost consciousness and regained consciousness.

I set fire to your car

Come to think of it, maybe your car really wasn't lost after all. I found your car somewhere in my vicinity and saw that it was covered in gasoline. Then I had like, the coolest idea. I mean, this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity- how often do you see so much flammable liquid in one place? Well, yeah, so I got out my lighter and decided to torch the whole piece of metal. Then I saw the most awesome fire in my life. It almost looked like a fire atop a car. That's like so cool. You should try that some day.

So, yeah, actually it was kind of my fault that the one and only thing that made me envious of you is gone... Sorry about that, dude.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Yeah, so give me 10 dollars and we're even."][/caption]

Remember the other time when you ate all my candy?

Well, I feel kind of guilty that I your car is gone and all, so I'd let you off the hook with eating all my candy the other time... Okay, maybe not- I'd give you this huge discount and let you off the hook if you just pay me 10 dollars. Ahh, shucks... Don't mention it. What are friends for?

What happened to your car?

2009-12-31T13:12:00.000+08:00

Engagement Letter

2009-12-26T12:32:00.001+08:00

Notification of Engagement

Jeffrey Yiu
Husband of Mrs. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

4th May 06

Ms. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

Dear (to-be) Mrs Yiu,

I understand that you may not have been expecting this letter seeing that I have only seen you once in the club and we haven't exactly talked to each other. And I don't even know your first name.. And you haven't had the chance to see me yet... But I am still happy to inform you that this letter is not a proposal. In fact, this letter's purpose is to notify you that we are already engaged.

Indeed, your near perfect body played a huge role in our engagement. I've already rated the bodies in the club that night. Yours was definitely the top 10. Maybe even the top 2. But don't get me wrong, it isn't exactly your looks that enticed me- your face pulled your ranking down to the the 104th (there were only 93 girls in the club that night so I had to include the guys in that calculation).

I fell in love with you at first sight when we were in the club. You were on the counter, flirting gleefully with the gigolo you slept with the night before when I saw you. Ah, yes. The whole shelf of Martel you gracefully purchased for the sole purpose of getting the gigolo drunk made you look painfully attractive. I mean seriously, it is painful to be attracted to someone with your looks. Oh, I checked with the gigolo and he said your father owned a hotel. That earned you plenty of attraction points.

To tell you the truth, I would have brought you out on a few dates before announcing our engagement but my current wife recently became bankrupt and I have thus run out of dating grants. Nevertheless, this should not be an obstacle to our engagement based off true love.

Once again, I want you to understand that we are already engaged. However, I would still require you to sign some legal documents at my place so that you can't back out of this in the future. Any time tomorrow between 4pm to 4:01pm would do fine. Of course, it is entirely up to you to decide whether or not to sign those documents. It shouldn't be too hard to decide. After all, we both do own our own mirrors.

Yours Sincerely,

Jeffrey Yiu
Future Husband of Ms. Underwood

PS: If you are wondering where your parents are, they are staying with me indefinitely, patiently waiting for you to sign the documents at my place.

Engagement Letter

2009-12-26T12:32:00.000+08:00

Notification of Engagement

Procrastination

2009-12-23T14:02:00.001+08:00

In my defence...

I was just about to update this post- I really wanted to. It isn't exactly my fault... Blame it on the series of unfortunate events that unfolded all so suddenly.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Oh, so you think you're special just because your fingers joined up, huh? Well, you're not! And quit smiling."][/caption]

I yearned for a quiet, peaceful time...

to just sit down and write an article, but the table clock was ticking too loudly and it was disrupting my work. Being patient and all, I tried to make the clock quiet down by staring at it for a couple of hours but it wasn't intimidated. In fact, it even provoked me. I just had to remove it.

With that annoyance out of the way...

I thought I was finally able to write a good article but it came to my attention that my turtle was getting restless, trying to climb out of it's tank. It almost seemed like it was calling out to me, telling me to take it out on a walk. I felt all guilty for keeping it captive in it's tank and went into deep thought about animal cruelty before I decided to put on it's leash and bring it out of the house for a little stroll.

It was all my turtle's fault...

that it couldn't walk fast enough. The driver did the old 'hit-and-run' when he saw my turtle jaywalking and before I knew it, my turtle was squashed. I took a second to admire the goo on the road when I realised that this just gave me even more work to do. I had to take down the license plate number of the car so that I can earn some quick cash from the local lawyer and then mourn for my turtle and stuff.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="210" caption="What's with all the fallen leaves on the road? Mother Nature must be telling me not to write an article."][/caption]

I was cleaning up the mess my turtle made on the road...

when I saw that the road sweepers aren't doing their job. Looking at all the fallen leaves on the road, I thought I should be a good citizen and clean up the road for the good of the people.

The road stretched longer than I thought...

and before I knew it, it was already 6pm and everyone knows you can't make a post when it is 6pm.

Anyway, give me some time. I'm sure I'll work on this post tomorrow.

Procrastination

2009-12-23T14:02:00.000+08:00

Crush

2009-12-20T09:54:00.001+08:00

You've managed to live off your parents' pay for most of your life. However, lately, it came to your attention that maybe free loading off your parents isn't all to your life. Apparently when you're 16, you finally realised you have a crush on Stacy, the hottest girl in school. Fear not, even you can get together with Stacy.

Step 1: Relax

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="You will need this if you ever want to get together with Stacy"][/caption]

This should be easy for any idiot to do, but no- not for you- you are a rarity. You are a special idiot. Now, that's not a bad thing. Being as special as you are, you have a more efficient form of relaxing. All you have to do is carry out the 'relaxing exercise'.

Don't worry about the name of the exercise having too many syllables for you to pronounce, it is actually simpler than you can imagine (and that's really simple). First of all, extend your right hand straight in front of you palm facing up, perpendicular to your body. Next, place an egg on your right hand. Lower your head until the egg is at eye level. Now bring the egg to your head as quickly as you can. Repeat with as many eggs as you can find. Maybe could use the ones from the garbage dump outside the supermarket as well.

You're feeling all gooey and reek of rotten eggs now? That's relaxation. Congratulations, you're well on your way to getting together with Stacy.

Step 2: Don't think about Stacy

This is the most important step to getting together with Stacy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so the more you not think about her, the more you'll like her. Forget that Stacy exists. Don't talk to her in school, pretend she isn't there when she walks past you in school. Stacy doesn't seem to be affected? Perhaps Stacy is giving you the same treatment because she has a crush on you too. Yes, that's it. You should go tell her that she has a crush on you. Stacy would be so excited to know that.

Step 3: Confront Stacy

Before you do anything, first do the 'relaxing excercise'. It is very important that you do. Now go look for Stacy.

Hey look, that's Stacy over there walking into the girl's showers. Go bump into her to get her attention. Quick! Before she goes through the door.

Aw, you missed her. Now you're stuck outside of the girl's shower when Stacy is inside. Never mind that, since you came all this way to talk to her, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you walked into the showers to say hi. After all, you're bringing her good news letting her know that she has a crush on you. Go ahead, step into the showers.

Step 4: Tell Stacy the good news

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Tell Stacy the good news. She'll be so touched that you came all the way here just to tell her."][/caption]

You're standing behind Stacy, she doesn't know you're there, idiot. Get her attention; say 'hi' just like how you would start a regular conversation.

Idiot: "Hi Stacy."

Stacy: "Eeek!"

Hmm... She doesn't look too happy to see you. Oh yeah, that's right. She doesn't know she has a crush on you yet. Tell her.

Idiot: "Stacy, I have good news!"

Stacy: "What are you doing here?!"

Idiot: "You have a crush on me! Isn't that great?"

Stacy doesn't look too pleased. Maybe this is too much information for her. You should give her some time to take in the good news.

Step 5: Impress Stacy

Apparently Stacy wasn't too excited when she heard the good news. That's just a minor setback. Show her your good side and she'll surely come begging to get together with you.

See the prostitue over there? Yes, go pay her some $50 and come back to where Stacy is. Trust me. I'm with you remember?

Come on... At least get a prostitute that is straight. What's with that transexual? -Sigh- I guess that'll do. Go to the bench in the canteen where Stacy is sitting and flaunt your new girlfriend. Show her how popular you are with the ladies and she'll be so impressed that she'll be begging you to get together with her. Then you can tell her "You've had your chance. It's too late now." and watch as she scurries away crying.

What? She's not paying attention to you? Well, maybe you should let her know you have a girlfriend now. Show her your prostitute.

Idiot: "Hey Stacy, guess what?"

What's that asshole doing sitting intimately close to Stacy? You have to do something about it. And quick. Show her your girlfriend now.

Idiot: "Look Stacy, I have a girlfriend now. You don't have a chance at me anymore. Aren't you jealous?"

Asshole sitting intimately close to Stacy: "Hey Stacy, who is this?"

That asshole just stood up. Wow, he's huge. Wait, that's Mark, the captain of the football team! Oh, you're in trouble now. It's time to make a tactical retreat. Run! Run now. Leave your prostitute behind as a scapegoat. Put your $50 to use.

Step 6: Show Stacy you really love her

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Tell her you love her"][/caption]

Stacy is only acting like that because she doesn't know you love her yet. Show it to her. And what better way to do that than to grab explosives and hide it under your jacket. Don't worry about the expenses. It is only a minor sacrfice to make to get together with Stacy. After all, if you couldn't have Stacy, noone else should. It is only the mature thing to do. Put on your jacket. It's time to do it.

This time, do the 'relaxing excercise' on Mark first. It will help ease his grumpiness so that you'll avoid reliving the emberassing scene from before again. He looks even grumpier than before? I guess the 'relaxing excercise' doesn't work on everyone. Make a run for it or all your effort would have been put to waste. No, not that way! Run towards Stacy.

There she is! Make sure you are clearly in her sight before you do anything.

Idiot: "Stacy... (Deep breathing)."

Stacy: "Oh God. Not again..."

She's only saying that because she doesn't know you love her yet. Show it to her now. Go, reveal the explosives!

Stacy: "Ahh! That's... That's..."

Idiot: "Stacy, I love you. We'll be together. Together forever. Aren't you happy too?" =D

SFX: Loud explosion and glass shattering.

Death

Congratulations! You're together with Stacy.

Crush

2009-12-20T09:54:00.000+08:00

Tattoo

2009-12-16T21:01:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="170" caption="Oops, I guess this tattooist messed up while tattooing the block of wood. No matter- this is a common occurence in tattooing."][/caption]

It's just like any other morning. You wake up, walk towards the sink to brush your teeth. Then, you look at the mirror and tell yourself "I need to mindlessly spend money to aggravate self inflicted pain by permanently scarring myself in the name of 'art'. I need a tattoo."

Surely your next reaction would be to drop that thought and carry on with your life, brushing your teeth. But wait! Have you ever considered the benefits of getting a tattoo? No? Well, you should. There are numerous reasons why you should spend that money to torture yourself rather than wasting it on lame meagre necessities like food.

Why get a tattoo?

Strengthen your vocal chords

First things first, although this might seem obvious, getting a tattoo strengthens your vocal chords. You'll be screaming at the top of your lungs at all times during the tattooing process. It would be surprising if you didn't become a good singer after getting a tattoo. Look at all the lead singers of world-class bands, they all have tattoos. Yes, now you know...

Ethicality

For the most part, tattooists are sadists. Honestly, tattooists are usually failed dentists who take up art so that they can still inflict pain on people in exchange for money. Tattooing is usually done by stabbing certain parts of the body with coloured humming pens to create pieces of art on people like yourself. Naturally, the stabbing element is completely unnecessary, but that's where the ethical part comes in. By getting a tattoo, you are actually providing pleasure to the tattoo artist.

A second benefit is that by spending money on tattoos, you are not spending that extra money on a burger in McDonald's. Hence seizing McDonald's child labour funding. Therefore by getting a tattoo, you are able to clear your conscience knowing that you are doing good to the society.

Look cool

It is time to face the music- you are not fashionable, and you never will be. By the time you actually bother to get clothes to replace your old piece of cloth, ape-men would be wearing it to keep up with their trend. A tattoo however, eliminates the need to be fashionable. With a tattoo, you will no longer need clothes to show off to your friends how cool you think you are. Just walk around half-naked. (If policemen aren't around, of course. But that's irrelevant. We're talking about tattoos, not getting into trouble with the law.)

Who knows? If you are lucky enough, you might even get permanent brain damage from excessive pain and this might actually allow you to be trendy.

Save lives

This point is often overlooked by many. For the benefit of people who lack general knowledge, tattooing comes with it the inconspicuous threat of skin cancer. By getting a tattoo, you are putting yourself in the position of a guinea pig for the thousands of people behind you who, too, want a tattoo. If by an off chance you die of skin cancer, everyone would realise the evils of tattooists and tattooing and decide not to get a tattoo, hence saving their lives. Not to mention, you'll be worshipped as a hero who died for them!

Conclusion

With all the benefits of getting a tattoo, there is no reason for anyone to not get a tattoo. In fact, you should get a tattoo today! Fortunately, I know a cost-efficient, fool-proof way of getting a tattoo with no repercussions. No, this is not a voluntary tattoo TV show, nor is it a tattooist examination hall in jail. This is Dhism's very own...

No, I'm not trying to cheat money from suckers such as yourself. I would never stoop so low.

That's not my dentist uniform lying on the floor of my house either...

Wait, come back.

Damn.

Tattoo

2009-12-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

Breaking News: iPhone 9Z is finally set for distribution!

2009-12-11T14:18:00.001+08:00

Apple has reportedly announced plans to distribute their latest smart phone scam, the iPhone 9Z! In an official statement by Steve Jobs, founder of Apple: "We are proud to announce that the distribution of our latest money-making iPhone 9Z would commence as of Dec 12th 2409. We would like to thank our customers for our success- this would not have been made possible without you."

Upon receiving this information, millions, no, billions of customers have started queueing up in front of Apple stores worldwide in hopes of becoming the first people to purchase the iPhone 400 years early! Ergo, practically proving that the iPhone 9Z has the power to make people willing to wait until death!

The confusion amidst the rage has already resulted in casualties reaching up to an estimated 100,000, with 9999 reported dead and 666 reported missing! Excessive screaming of 'OH-EMM-GEE!' by people who want only to be known as High School Girls has even lead to the extinction of mosquitoes!

Unfortunately, the government has yet come up with a plan to put an end to such atrocities.

This is no longer an ordinary disaster, it is now a level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="100" caption="Ordinary Apple Disaster"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!"][/caption]

PS. Get your iPhone 9Z today!

Breaking News: iPhone 9Z is finally set for distribution!

2009-12-11T14:18:00.000+08:00

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!"][/caption]

PS. Get your iPhone 9Z today!

Part Time Job

2009-12-08T18:06:00.001+08:00

So... My friend has been telling me to blog about work the entire day so I guess I'll do it. After all, it's a refreshing new change from the usual satirical articles I usually write. (Not to insult anyone's intelligence but apparently some people think they are facts. Wow.)

As I was saying, I got a part time job yesterday(!) although I'm unemployed now. My job was to wrap some pathetic oval stickers around green apples for Starhub. I heard the apples are to be distributed to innocent passers-by in Orchard, so if you happen to pass-by Orchard and a not-so-innocent kid forced to wear a T-shirt with a Starhub logo managed to push an apple into your hands, you know what not to do. Of course, this is with the assumption that you are a regular person, leading a regular life, with a regular family and you do not want to die of food poisoning after consuming an apple sponsored by Starhub in Orchard Road any time soon.

Anyhow, the working conditions were horrible! I had to work under the constant threat of experiencing hazardous injuries. I'm practically risking my life with work. Furthermore, worker welfare is given very modest attention to. The employer selfishly refused to give me medical compensation when I suffered a life-threatening paper cut when peeling off stickers too fast. It was almost like a sweat shop in the warehouse I was working at -exactly like a sweat shop, except that we were paid more money than usual, and a huge fan was facing us the entire time me and my friends were seated in a circle engaging in a casual conversation, and we are not given quotas at all.

Speaking of casual conversations, after one of those casual conversations abruptly ended when our employer came over to check on us, I drifted into deep thought (staring into space) when I tried to sleep with my eyes open. That was when it struck me. X-Ray vision is possibly one of the most stupid superpower one could ever wish for; you'll just die from insomnia.

At any rate, as you might have already guessed, I got paid for being useless. Okay, so I don't get as much money for being useless as an unemployed British citizen does, but I got paid nevertheless.

Part Time Job

2009-12-08T18:06:00.000+08:00

O-Level

2009-12-05T14:28:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="The happy kid is well on his way to O-Level."][/caption]

The O-Level (Ordinary Level) is an academic qualification taken up by 16 year old Singaporeans in secondary schools with 'ordinary' intelligence. The qualification is the way to get a job, hence setting it's proud owner up for a life of infamy and surreal mockery. All because of O-Levels.

What do you do in an O-Level?

Really, you can do anything as you please in an O-Level. Once you sets his mind to seek second-class employment, a whole new, adventurous world of learning is open. O-Level is a perfect venue for people who have no aspirations as it offers subjects that assists you in your future unemployment in every way possible.

When you've started O-Level, you will be made to attend some class in school. This might sound menacing to some, but do not fret. Lessons do not take up the entire day. They take up the entire night as well. And what more? Your friends would be enjoying the same fate too!

This set-up gives you ample time to hang out with bad company, take up smoking and at least 12 hours worth of opportunity to cut classes. Unfortunately, you are legally required to pursue education at this level, so it is a must to show up for attendance taking before you start hanging out with your nice friends with tattoos offering you white pills in the arcade.

You will also be forced to take examinations to assess your O-Level, hence the overnight studying before the examination day. But it's not at all bad news! Most of your friends will be too busy studying to realise you are a nerd at all.

How do you apply for O-Level?

O-Level is merely a simple task of being Singaporean. If you are a Singaporean and are at the age of 16, you will automatically be allowed to take O-Level or be sent to jail. O-Level is a qualification available to everyone, not just the elite.

All you need are straight A's and an additional requirement of getting above 100% for any one subject- a simple task indeed. More importantly, you would need a desire to learn (which you can easily fake). After you've managed the above mentioned tasks, then you're well on your way to O-Level.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="He has gone through O-Level. Have you?"][/caption]

Where are my options after undergoing O-Level?

There is only two options available for students after going through O-Level:

Secondary School

After finishing school at 16 years old, it is a standard tradition to celebrate by burning your textbooks as well as the school; a well-deserved, well-planned, farewell bid to one of the most important periods of your life.

But alas! You might have to repeat secondary school again for doing too badly for your examinations. Although a rare occurrence, it is nevertheless possible that people such as yourself would do so badly that they'll have to retain in secondary school. You'll get to pay another hundred dollars for your textbooks and serve a year's detention for committing a minor act of vandalism. Fortunately, all the little kids will look up to you because you have endured O-Level.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption=""Kid, I have O-Level""][/caption]

After Secondary School

If you managed to successfully complete O-Level before retaining in secondary school for three years, then you are all set for employment. With that piece of paper you'll be able to impress your friends, teachers and members of the opposite sex. With O-Level, you will be able to find employment in underground places that you otherwise wouldn't without O-Level. Bad company will then become good company when they offer you jobs in the form of prostitution and drug dealers.

So when you're old and your grandchild asks you "Grandpa, why are you always wearing that black and white horizontally striped-T when I come all the way here to visit you in this enclosed cell with security guards watching over us at all times?", you can proudly answer "Kid, I have O-Level."

O-Level

2009-12-05T14:28:00.000+08:00

Sarcasm

2009-12-02T19:00:00.000+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Michael Jackson: "I am not a pedophile""][/caption]

Sarcasm is a literate form of humour which is used by writers to convey the exact thing he says. Sarcastic statements are straightforward, contains no hidden meanings, and is simple enough that little intelligence is required to understand. It has even been proven that most people, especially old politicians and RIKs, can understand a sarcastic statement more clearly than they otherwise would have when sarcasm is not used.

Sarcasm in Politics

It is generally accepted that sarcasm be used as the official form of communication in political gatherings as this efficient form of communication is said to significantly reduces the likelihood of war. For example, politicians use common statements such as "we don't want the oil field in your country, we merely ask for peace" to convey their ideas amongst each other.

Statistics show that such statements prevents the successful domination of oil fields in a hostile manner, without references to the Iraq-Kuwait war. Because of the introduction of sarcastic political statements, the world is now a much better place to live in with wars conveniently located at our doorsteps.

Sarcasm in Education

The usefulness of sarcasm has even made it's way into the media education system. In the 21st century especially, television programmes were infused with sarcasm to reinforce the ideas being taught.

Sesame Street is a model example of such programmes. Sesame Street is the physical manifestation of educational sarcasm. It teaches children the basics of teratology; namely that monsters exist, can speak the human language, and are very friendly towards young children. This accurately reinforces scientific facts while also doubling up as a practical example of social practices a children should follow when meeting a stranger who offers sweets and are dressed in a way that entices children.

Sarcasm and Irony

Sarcasm is very closely related to irony. In fact, they are so closely related that you often find them both in the same sentence. As such, much confusion arose over mistaking sarcasm and irony. Ergo, I have formed examples to clearly demonstrate the difference between the two:

If you went out for dinner with a friend, Christina for example, and she says "I enjoyed having dinner with you", it is sarcasm.

On the other hand, if you went out for dinner with Christina and did not walk out of the restaurant alone, then it is irony.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The reason we all love sarcasm"][/caption]

Sarcasm in Practical Use

To ensure prosperity here at home and peace abroad, we all share the belief we have to maintain the strongest military on the planet.
-Barrack Obama

Dealing with flying Cockroaches

2009-11-29T20:39:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="A cockroach which once flew over my head. It is flying no more. Haha... Hahaha..."][/caption]

A very ugly creature just flew over your head while you were using your computer. In a panicked frenzy, you took a moment to envy the cockroach's ability to fly before rushing out of your room to wash your hair. This is the wrong course of action!

Cockroaches are dense carnivorous insects. They will attack anything running away from it. It would be wise to stand your ground and not do anything reckless: do not engage the hideous black beast.

Step 1: Attempt to kill the cockroach

This should be done with extreme caution. Pick up your computer and with a gentle flick of the wrist, declare war with the cockroach by smashing the computer on the cockroach. Repeat this act professionally with every other objects on your computer desk.

This is done to make sure a cockroach never flies over your head while you are using your computer ever again.

Tips: You will fail. The cockroach will dodge the rain of electronic devices worth $1000.

(The real) Step 1: Arresting the trespasser

The cockroach has just invaded your airspace! It is only natural for the cockroach to be sentenced to life imprisonment. [See also: Absurdity] Create a dome for the cockroach with all the broken fragments of what was once $1000. This would keep your pesky intruder caged in indefinitely. But why should you stop there? The cockroach committed the unholy sin of being within your sight. It deserves worse.

Step 2: Procuring the right weapon

There is only one weapon capable of delivering due punishment to the unwanted roach: Babies. Babies are the most efficient form of killing those pesky black insects.

Attaining your baby is easy! It is merely a simple task of climbing through the window of your neighbour's house without being ntoiced and packing their infant into your backpack. Finally proceed home after hiding your tracks with fire.

Tip: Mental preparation and pre-reconnaissance is a plus, though it isn't mandatory since anybody who actually follows this guide should already have the layout of their neighbour's house in their head due to excessive video recording of acts leading to the procreation of the baby.
Extended Tip: It would be a pretty good idea to sell your video tapes on eBay for $1000 now.

Step 3: The Kill

Place the baby and the cockroach side by side in an enclosed area and let nature work it's magic. Boredom would kick in driving the baby to attempt to squash the insect before inserting it into his mouth. It is ideal to allow the baby and the cockroach be together in the same cage for a month, although some people prefer to keep them for a year just to make certain the cockroach's death.

Step 4: Escape plan

At this stage, it goes without saying that you are being hunted down by everybody. The baby's parents, lawyers, firemen, cockroaches and your parents (demanding $1000) are all after you. It is 2012 all over again. And what do you do when it is the end of the world? Yes, you kill yourself. Death is always the best escape plan.

Dealing with flying Cockroaches

2009-11-29T20:39:00.000+08:00

Chocolates

2009-11-25T12:17:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="190" caption="Modern weaponry's innocent facade"][/caption]

Throughout history, Man has been creatively inventing tools of murder. The ingenuity of the human mind has resulted in the creation of weapons such as swords, guns, Hitler, exam papers, atomic bombs, and recently gaining popularity, chocolates. In this day and age, it is near impossible to find a human who has not once fallen victim to the evil crutches of chocolates. It is without a doubt we can no longer avoid the threat of chocolates, but what is it that makes it so dangerous?

Dangers of chocolate

The threat of chocolate is many. For one, chocolate is known to possess the ability to infest it's victim with the sinister poison of happiness.

This threat should not be taken lightly as happiness is known to lead to death. Thorough research conducted in a laughing gas chamber shows that a human's prolonged exposure to happiness causes death. The test subject first cries, then falls to the ground and curls into a ball while clutching his stomach and finally the subject's spine breaks in order to completely curl into a ball. In other words, death.

However, despite the diabolic existence of chocolates being such a serious threat to modern society, no steps have yet been taken for a worldwide disarmament of such bio-weapons.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="The extent of what chocolate has already dominated."][/caption]

World domination

With the growing threat of chocolate all around the world and the reluctance of the UN to take necessary actions, chocolate has been dubbed Satan, Diablo, and sometimes even Barney. Some have even gone so far to say that the production of chocolate is a conspiracy to rule the world. And what not to believe-chocolates are everywhere.

Chocolate's involvement in 2012

It has been recently discovered that the creator of the Mayan calender had been addicted to chocolates at the time he was drawing up the calender. Hence explicably ending the world when a permanent chocolate stain blocked out the day 21st December 2012 on the Mayan Calender.

[caption id="attachment_306" align="alignright" width="183" caption="We are going to die because of the Mayan calender"][/caption]

Following this ground breaking discovery, established quack geologists has begun to theorise that chocolates would consequently be the resulting destruction of the world. These geologists proposed that on the 21st December 2012, Mayans would simultaneously lick off the chocolate stain on their calenders, killing millions of Mayans due to food poisoning. The resulting impact would completely destroy the food chain and hence causing the entire world to die off.

Defence against chocolates

When faced with the threat of chocolates, it is only wise to fight according to the Art of War. To kill or be killed. Therefore, to defend yourself against chocolate, you have to eat the chocolate before the chocolate eats you.

Another way would be to gather a huge pool of funding and experts to develop a spaceship in China for one year to pilot yourself out of this world until the chocolate dies down before returning to earth in order to protect yourself from chocolates. Or you can just stick to the original plan of eating chocolates.

Will we survive chocolates?

Indeed, the defence against chocolate is a magnificent one; able to delay our demise ever so slightly. However the ultimate truth is that we will never be able to survive chocolates. Chocolate is in our blood. It is mandatory to have chocolate as a form of defence against thieves in our home. Nobody can deny the existence of chocolates. But it is in the power of chocolate to deny ours. We can only pray to the chocolate God, D, to be merciful to us commoners.

Chocolates

2009-11-25T12:17:00.000+08:00

2012

2009-11-21T11:20:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Earth as seen from outer space on 22 December 2012"][/caption]

21 December 2012 is going to be just like any other day, except that it is the end of the world and everyone will die.

However, this information cannot be totally trusted as shown by Director Roland Emmerich: "So what if "The Day After Tomorrow" didn't happen, 2012 is the real deal and everybody should catch the movie. Of course, I'm not taking this opportunity to boost publicity on this movie, nor the next apocalyptic movie 2015 that I am going to direct which will premier on 22 December 2012. Tickets are on sale now by the way."

Nonetheless, we should all still believe in the 2012 phenomenon because if we didn't, we would be labelled as atheists and shunned by our friends who believe they will die in 3 years.

Why 21 December 2012?

The day when the Mayan calender malfunctions

Google says so

YouTube says so

Proposed Survival Method

After much discussion, the UN has concluded that the only method of survival is to follow the below mentioned steps:

Sign a will to donate all your money/property to the USA when you die

Receive a gun in exchange for signing the will

Shoot yourself in the head

Barrack Obama said in retaliation to critics: "First of all, the USA had nothing to do with step 1 of the proposed method. It is in the interest of the world that the UN came up with this plan we'd like to call 'Outsmarting the Apocalypse'. The only way of surviving 21 December 2012 is by killing yourself before it happens."

When questioned how the UN came up with such an ingenious idea, the British ambassador exclaimed: "I swear I didn't accept Obama's bribe money, I swear!"

Methods of Destruction

Top scientists from around the world has generally accepted that the primary method of destruction would be suicide through 'Outsmarting the Apocalypse'. However, some quacks have also formulated other various possible methods of destruction

Galatic Alignment

Timewave Zero and the I Ching

Geomagnetic Reversal

Planet Nibiru

Black Hole Alignment

Despite all the reasoning behind these theories, people still believe that 'suicide' would be the main method of destruction because it is the only theory they understand.

Effects of 2012

Although it is but 3 years before the apocalypse, the effects of the 2012 phenomenon is already showing:

Rise in teenage pregnancy

Boom in prostitution & alcoholic industry

Banks being constantly looted

Increase in overall BMI

Mass graves being dug beforehand

UN being flooded with 'I told you' emails

Concluding statement by an emo a 2012 believer:

Life sucks... We are all going to die... Perish... Disappear... Go extinct... Sent into an eternal slumber. We deserve death. 2012, End of the World- Catch the movie now.

2012

2009-11-21T11:20:00.000+08:00

The day when the Mayan calender malfunctions

Google says so

YouTube says so

Proposed Survival Method

After much discussion, the UN has concluded that the only method of survival is to follow the below mentioned steps:

Sign a will to donate all your money/property to the USA when you die

Receive a gun in exchange for signing the will

Shoot yourself in the head

Galatic Alignment

Timewave Zero and the I Ching

Geomagnetic Reversal

Planet Nibiru

Black Hole Alignment

Rise in teenage pregnancy

Boom in prostitution & alcoholic industry

Banks being constantly looted

Increase in overall BMI

Mass graves being dug beforehand

UN being flooded with 'I told you' emails

Concluding statement by an emo a 2012 believer:

Life sucks... We are all going to die... Perish... Disappear... Go extinct... Sent into an eternal slumber. We deserve death. 2012, End of the World- Catch the movie now.

The End of the World

2009-11-17T10:28:00.001+08:00

The 2012 phenomenon has been a trending controversy recently. To shed some light on the issue, I have approached Professor Neutron, an expert in studies of redundancy and also the leading researcher of irony, to share his views.

Professor Neutron: "The world will come to an end, and it will come to an end not because of global warming, but because of a severe water shortage. Just look at the people in the desert dying everyday. Look at all the African kids facing dehydration. At the rate the world's health is deteroriating, we would all be dead in an estimated 3 years."

D: "Is there anyway we can save ourselves?"

Professor Neutron: "Why, yes. It is only a simple matter of attaining more water. 68% of fresh water is trapped in the polar ice caps. All we have to do is salvage these lost souls from their icy prison for consumption."

D: "And how do we melt these ice?"

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The solution to the 2012 phenomenon"][/caption]

Professor Neutron: "The easiest method is to burn as much fossil fuels as possible. This will increase the amount of carbon dioxide, C₂₀₁O_2, gas in the world. This gas is a natural 'greenhouse' gas that traps all the heat on earth, allowing the melting of the polar ice caps. Consequently, the world will be flooded in pure, problem-solving water hence ridding the world of dehydration."

D: "I do not have any fossil fuels to burn. Can an average person like me help in this cause?"

Professor Neutron: "Of course. Anybody can contribute to this noble cause by burning anything in sight. Houses, cats, babies, all these give off carbon dioxide when burnt. If all else fails, you can even burn yourself to donate to the world fossil fuels bank."

D: "Will do. How long will this process take? Will we make it in time to prevent the world from dehydrating if we start now?"

Professor Neutron: "By all means. If all goes well, this process will be completed by 21^st December 2012, just in the knick of time to prevent the apocalypse."

D: "Thank you for having your time with us, Professor, it was much appreciated. I wish you all the best in your future redundant researches."

Professor Neutron: "What?! I will have you know that my research is not..."

-CUT-

Immediately after the interview aired, millions of people took Professor Neutron's advice and started burning everything in sight.

Americans started by burning everything they found useless, which meant George W. Bush was the first to go. Indians began by burning their babies. Bruneians burnt their money. Afghanistanis began by burning Pakistanis. Etc.

With such cooperation, we can almost see the world taking shape. I am proud of myself for bringing the interview to the world, and the world for it's success in salvation.

-World Peace

The End of the World

2009-11-17T10:28:00.000+08:00

-World Peace

An occasion when an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper

2009-11-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The old lady tried to escape, but to no avail."][/caption]

Chapter 1: Attainning Help

There she was at the other side of the street, sporting a blue uniform magnificently fitted to one with a heart as kind as hers. It was love at first sight. I knew I had to get her attention, but what seemed like a simple task was in fact a tall order. How lucky I was to have spotted an old lady on a wheelchair just round the corner. This was my chance to shine! I circled behind the wheelchair before delivering a punch to the old lady's face, sending her flying off her wheelchair. 'This is mine now'.

With my newly acquired form of transportation/deception, I manually adjusted my position to be in the direct line of sight of the girl scout. My scheming plan worked! She was walking towards me. "What's your name?" I inquired. "My name is Cindy, but you can call me Zyndrygh" the helper who was about to face unexpected consequences while attempting to help me cross the road answered.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Zyndygh: Stop staring at me"][/caption]

Chapter 2: Disturbed Pedophile Affairs

The following 30 minutes then became the most fulfilling time of our lives. As I looked into her eyes, I drifted into a world entirely different. I could even see her being together with me for all eternity.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Cindy questioned wearing the same expression all the other girls used against me. Why do all girls do this when I stare at them for a mere 30 minutes? Why!

At that moment, a man with bloodshot eyes started bellowing random words in our direction. Finally, something that makes sense for once.

"What's that!" Cindy cried a rhetorical question.

"It's just a guy carrying a pointy object blocking the traffic... Oh wait, it looks like he is dragging another man covered in red behind him. And he is dragging the man by the neck. That's not very smart." I replied before putting on a seductive gaze on Cindy once again "But that shouldn't interrupt our romantic date." All of a sudden, Cindy gave up trying to help me cross the road and decided to play "Catch" with me instead. How cute.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="160" caption="The happy man after winning the game of the 'Catch'"][/caption]

Chapter 3: Desperate Plea for Help

"Zyndrygh, I know that you like running and all, but is it that fun when you're running so slowly? Look, the man from before is already so close behind us." I exclaimed.

"Eeek!" Cindy screeched as a form of defence. With that, Cindy made a sharp turn into an alley where she thought was a safe place to hide. That's what I liked about Cindy. She is so flexible, being able to switch from 'Catch' to 'Hide-and-Seek' so easily. But alas! The man caught us anyway. Awww, we lost...

"HAHAHA. HAHAHA." The man laughed in joy in winning the game. He then followed the standard procedure of 'tagging' by inserting the pointy object into Cindy before running off, laughing the entire way. I wished I had his level of euphoria.

"Random stranger with disabilities that require you to be wheelchair-bounded, please... Save me. I want to see mommy." Cindy coughed in a weak voice.

Cindy looked so hot with red all over her uniform, even when she was pretending to die. To impress Cindy, I claimed proudly: "Thou shalt not-shalt never allow Princess Zyndrygh to die."

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Poor Cindy"][/caption]

Chapter 4: Cindy's Death

Taking advantage of the situation, I gave Cindy a huge bear hug. The pointy object was annoyingly protruding out of Cindy which made it harder for me to hug her, though that problem lessened as my hug got deeper. Cindy then began to cough out more sticky red liquid before falling completely silent. Success at last; she has finally fallen for my affection. After being in this position for 30 minutes, I realised Cindy hadn't been moving at all. Even her heart isn't beating. That's weird...

That was when it struck me. 'This isn't a game! Cindy is dead' my sub-conscious mind told me.

The Unnessesary Chapter 5: Expected Conclusion

"That's unexpected." I sighed.

An occasion when an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper

2009-11-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

Ninjas

2009-11-08T12:36:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="The diabolical disguise of a Ninja"][/caption]

Ninjas were first spotted in Japan in the year 1999 taking up the innocent façade of Naruto. Since then, Ninjas have been the cause of minor crimes such as the disappearance of babies, cancer. Barrack Obama's presidency, and cannibalism.

Ninjas are known to have awesome skills catered for assassination such as their ability to use the nanchucks, shuriken throwing, radioactivity and flying. However, their most amazing yet inconspicuous skill is their ability to remain invisible indefinitely.

Note: The facts in this post only applies to Ninjas in general.

Assassination

Contrary to popular belief, ninjas do not assassinate for money. Rather, they assassinate to attract more fans on YouTube.

Ninjas typically assassinate by slitting throats with knives or by emitting noises loud enough to kill anybody in silence (Yes, they can do that because they are just that awesome). However, assassinations on YouTube are usually conducted by Bushido, the 'Way of the Warrior', in which Ninjas defy the law of nature by committing seppuku on their victims.

Dress Code

Ninjas are always dressed in ninja suits to hide their eminent lucent glow due to excessive eating of babies. Ninja suits are spacesuits made of a special material known as satin.

Much like how the coloured belts are used to distinguish martial artists, the spacesuits can be used to measure the killing intent of the Ninja indirectly. This is done by observing the colour of the suit as it changes colours according to the bearer's bladder capacity.

A black suit means an urgent need for the Ninja to kill quickly while a yellow suit (why else wouldn't it be yellow?) means that the Ninja is at ease and is unlikely to kill.

Where to find Ninjas

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="A Ninja-infested room."][/caption]

Ninjas can be found anywhere, though seeing them is a different story.

Common areas where Ninjas are known to hang out at include:

On the sun

In front of you

In a haunted cemetery/house

In a girl's bathroom

Everywhere you can see

Everywhere you cannot see

Beside the smartest guy in class during a test

Note: It is strongly advised to never look for Ninjas unless one has a profitable health insurance with capable family members to boot.

How to raise a Ninja

A Ninja has to be raised in the Ninja way at birth. This is performed by getting down on your knees in front of the oblivious baby, patting the baby and chanting 'You are a Ninja...'. Other variations include saying 'You are awesome', 'You are invisible' or 'You eat babies' (a pacifier is a necessity in this case). Be warned that you should never say 'You kill people' or anything along that line unless you have a spare unsuspecting scapegoat in the same room.

Cannibalism

2009-11-04T22:25:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Tonight's dinner is on you"][/caption]

Cannibalism is the act or practice of humans eating the flesh of other humans.

The reasons for cannibalism include the following:

* As sanctioned by a cultural norm.

* By necessity in extreme situations of famine.

* Caused by insanity or social deviancy.

* The 'victim' use the host as a form of transportation.

* Eating someone to gain their abilities.

* We are just too damn delicious!

There are fundamentally two kinds of cannibalistic social behavior; vitacannibalism (eating someone alive) and necrocannibalism (eating dead humans).

Vitacannibalism

The orgins of vitacannibalism is unclear but cannibalism only became phenomenally popular during 1932 when a tribe of bushman wanted to migrate to USA but they had only 1 boat ticket. Thus the chieftian of that tribe ate his entire tribe and when he got over to USA he vomited them out again. It was the 1st recorded incident of vitacannibalism.

Word of the tribe got around and prisoners start using the similar method to escape from jail by slipping into the food of inmates who are about to be released. Some inside source claims this was the method alleged terrorist Mas Selamat used to escape from jail.

Necrocannibalism

Necrocannibalism has been around since the begining of man. Our prehistoric fathers tend to kill and eat each other up when they ran out of food and could not hunt for more because the found out a sabre tooth tiger is sleeping at the entrance of their cave.

Present day cannibalism is practiced as eating another human being can lead to gaining the victims' experince and skills. Thus eating a nerdy or intelligent friend can easily benefit you during that upcoming Physics exam. One can also completely eliminate the tedium of learning a trade simply by eating their mentor. Superman is believed to have eaten Attila the Hun, Chuck Norris and Da Vinci thus giving him his super powers.

Some peoeple prefer eat babies but please be warned that it is not healthy for you. Babies contains nearly no nutrients but only an over-abundance of sugar, kryptonite and argon. Not only does it not benefits you in anyway, consuming babies has been linked to causing your skin to glow in the dark. Much to the annoyance of ninjas who like snacking on babies.

Where To Get Your Human

Fortunately, humans are very abundant and they are stacked in apartments like groceries in the pantry. If you have trouble catching a human for your nutritious needs. You can by a copy of '847664 Ways To Catch your Human Prey' book by Avery Sim. Fellow cannibals claimed that the book was extremely useful, not because of the infomation contained within the book. But because the book is extremely heavy, weighing 4 tons. Dropping it from the 10th storey on a unsuspecting human guarantees a fresh dinner. If you are really lazy you could always order prostitudes but some people dislike its spicy taste. Even so, prostitudes are a popular choice among cannibals as they deliver themself to you and they have several cuts of meat to be taken off them. It is estimated that by the year 2012 all prostitutes will have been eaten. Retarded Incest Kids are the easiest type of human prey as they tend to move and react much slower then the average human due to their low intelligence. But it is advised against over consumption of RIK or one might have an erection from looking at their own moms.

Cannibalism is the act or practice of humans eating the flesh of other humans.

The reasons for cannibalism include the following:

As sanctioned by a cultural norm

By necessity in extreme situations of famine.

Caused by insanity or social deviancy.

A cheap and effective form of transportation.

To gain another's ability/skills.

We are just too damn delicious.

There are fundamentally two kinds of cannibalistic social behavior; vitacannibalism (eating someone alive) and necrocannibalism (eating dead humans).

Vitacannibalism

The orgins of vitacannibalism is unclear but cannibalism only became phenomenally popular during 1939 (when all bad things originate) when a tribe of bushman wanted to migrate to USA but they had only 1 boat ticket. Thus the chieftian of that tribe ate his entire tribe and when he got over to USA he vomited them out again. It was the 1st recorded incident of vitacannibalism.

Word of the tribe got around and prisoners start using the similar methods to escape from jail by slipping into the food of inmates who are about to be released. Some inside source claims this was the method alleged terrorist Mas Selamat used to escape from confinement.

Necrocannibalism

Necrocannibalism has been around since the begining of man. Our prehistoric fathers tend to kill and eat each other up when they ran out of food and could not hunt for more because they found out a sabretooth tiger is sleeping at the entrance of their cave.

Present day cannibalism is practiced as eating another human being can lead to gaining the victims' experince and skills. Thus eating a nerdy or intelligent friend can easily benefit you during that upcoming Physics exam. One can also completely eliminate the tedium of learning a trade simply by eating their mentor. Superman is believed to have eaten Attila the Hun, Chuck Norris and Da Vinci thus giving him his super powers.

Some peoeple prefer eat babies but please be warned that it is not healthy for you. Babies contains nearly no nutrients but only an over-abundance of sugar, kryptonite and argon. Not only does it not benefits you in anyway, consuming babies has been linked to causing your skin to glow in the dark. Much to the annoyance of ninjas who like snacking on babies.

Where To Get Your Human

Fortunately, humans are very abundant and they are stacked in apartments like groceries in the pantry. If you have trouble catching a human for your nutritious needs. You can buy a copy of '847664 Ways To Catch your Human Prey' book by Avery Sim. Feedback from fellow cannibals proclaim that the book was extremely useful, not because of the infomation contained within the book, but because the book is extremely heavy, weighing 4 tons. Dropping it from the 10th story on a unsuspecting human guarantees a fresh dinner.

If you are really lazy you could always order prostitutes but some people dislike its spicy taste. Even so, prostitutes are a popular choice among cannibals as they deliver themself to you and they have succulent chest meat. It is estimated that by the year 2012 all prostitutes will have been eaten. Livestock conservatives are currently gathering to find a solution to this serious issue.

Retarded Incest Kids are the easiest type of human prey as they tend to move and react much slower then the average human due to their low intelligence. But it is advised against over consumption of RIK as one might have an erection from looking at their own moms.

Post by Avery

Friends

2009-10-21T19:45:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Friends about to have a game of tug-of-war"][/caption]

Friends

Friends are people who share a mutual relationship known as 'friendship'. This relationship refers to the policy of 'give and take' whereby one side gives everything while the other side receives the wealth, pride, intelligence and dignity without giving anything in return. Some prefer to refer to it as the Man-God relationship.

21st Century Friends

'Friends' is a popular subculture rooted around social networking with its own distinct way of invading the minds of innocent netizens. As a general rule, people described as 'friends' (falling under the influence of MySpace, Friendster and/or Facebook) are often people leading a deprived life who spend most of their time in front of the computer stalking another person online.

However, the innocence of such social networking sites are very questionable. Recent discoveries have lead to worldwide accusations that the subculture of 'friends' is in fact a conspiracy by the Goths to eliminate all Emos.

Subcategories

Friends who are willing to meet you in real life

This is the group of 'friends' that are most sought for. This group branches out into numerous other categories:

Wealthy friends
Friendship bonuses include: Lending of money, lending of cars, lending of house, lending of money, funding for drugs, lending of money

Good looking friends
Friendship bonuses include: Getting drunk leading to a memorable experience, sleeping with attractive siblings, access to clothes worth selling on eBay

Feeble friends
Friendship bonuses include: Personal slave, lending of girlfriend/boyfriend, lending of spouse, begging for money (removing limbs work very well for this)

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Human and Animal's friendship at its finest"][/caption]

Other Variations

Friends sometimes also refer to animal's relationship with man. Indeed, animal has been experimenting friendship with man ever since the start of time:

Humans and animals have always had a mutual friendship. In fact, animal friends were once kept in round metallic red-white spheres and humans summoned them by yelling "____, I choose you!" These animals will then fight each other with special powers such as tail whip, growl, struggle, gay propaganda, throwing of bibles, blog flaming and self-destruct.

This relationship has widely remained the same over the years.

Author's notes: May not be able to blog any time soon.

Retarded Incest Kids

2009-10-18T11:02:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Pictures shows three RIKs: =3, gay and ronald macdonald having a gay time."][/caption]

Retarded Incest Kids, as their name suggests, are retarded kids who have sexual relations with their mother.

This species of the subhuman race are actually a degenerated form of the homosapiens, known to flame blogs with little comprehension of the blog's contents.

God made us in his image. Who made RIKs? Urologists, the experts in the study of RIKs, believe that such creatures are not invented by God, but by Satan; Their argument being that God will never create animals with such low social standards.

On the plus side, RIKs provide a healthy does of confidence in demoralised youths, by contrast of intellect, looks, health and all aspects of a human being.

Origins

Whether God or Satan created such animals is still much debated. Regardless, studies have shown that such mutations boils down to the exposure one of the following activities:

Deprived childhood
It is believed that having a deprived childhood morphs a presumably normal child into a RIK. Some forms of this activity include having imaginary friends. This is sad because such animals are actually the result of their parents' poor upbringing and the poor creatures had no say in the business. RIKs who came to be in this way should be pitied.

Excessive video gaming
Due to inborn defects, RIKs are highly impressionable, resulting in severe mental disorder when playing video games.

due to their inborn genetic defects, they are highly impressionable. e.g. a game of Grand Theft Auto could lead to the R.I.K. ( figure that out ) jumping on to the nearest bike and doing drive bys.

It is a matter of fact that video gaming corrupts the minds of human resulting a lot of terrible things, such as a steep drop in grades, suicide, becoming terrorists or in this case, the degeneration into a RIKs.

Roles of RIKs with Humans

Slaves
RIKs make for moderately good slaves. Although their comprehension of the human language is minute, they are still able to understand a small bit of what is said and can carry out human tasks. Of course, this is only applicable to trained RIKs and only when they are fed enough food.

As a food source
RIKs are not a very nutritional source of food. However, they can still be used as emergency food supply for travellers of the sea. Their retardation causes them to react slowly to any sudden change and therefore easier targets as food. The trick is to not think of these creatures as humans because they are not. They should be considered animals or even insects, whichever suits you better.

Biology

There has been a worldwide debate in the past over the RIKs biology. Some believe that RIKs should be considered animals, others believe they should be considered insects, some even go so far as to say they are reptiles. With such widespread confusion, the UN has come to the conclusion that such debates should be ceased as RIKs are unimportant pests. Therefore it is acceptable to classify these creatures as anything you can think of with the exception of 'humans'.

Mortality

RIKs are known to have a short lifespan of about 2-3 years after their degeneration. Sadly, this is because an average human does not think well of such insects and prefer to avoid them. As these insects suffer from a lack of friendship, they usually fall to depression and hence becoming emo. This process continues for about a year or two at which stage slitting of the wrists occurs. At this stage, death is inevitable.

Reproduction

RIKs reproduce by committing incest with their mothers. When RIKs reach an age where they are sexually able, they immediately kill their father instinctively. This is followed by having sex with their mother (this is applicable regardless of the RIK's gender as their mothers are hermaphrodite). [See also: Bestiality]

Proof:

your mother: is short, HAD a dick, sucked a dick, gave brith to you(one of the biggest mistake), AND IS A ****ER
I'm so sorry for having you talk about your tragic life :(

your father: MIA
We all know what you did to him ;)
-Written by an RIK

Other Characteristics

Intelligence

It is unfair to say that RIKs have very low intelligence. In fact, recent studies have shown that RIKs carry a brain slightly superior than that of a sloth. These insects possess a brain capable of speaking the human language, though understanding is another story altogether.
Unfortunately, their primitive brains are still unable to process and detect sarcasm. Moreover, their vocabulary is limited to minor words such as '****', 'crap', 'dick' etc. Also, their reaction time is very similar to that of a sloth's digestive system.
This leads us to doubt whether they really are smarter than a sloth. Scientists believe more research has to be done to correctly determine the intellectual abilities of such mysterious creatures.

Communication

RIKs have a rather unique method of communication. They give themselves code names such as ronald macdonald, =3 and Midget You MF, all of which decodes to the same root word 'Me am stoopid'. Also, as said earlier, these insects have a very limited vocabulary and as a result, are not able to communicate their thoughts efficiently. Nonetheless, we should not mock their communication skills as the task of speaking the human language is already far beyond their primitive capabilities.

Behaviour

RIKs do everything together as a pack. They possess a natural instinct to seek out other RIKs which hastens the process of finding a pack. These creatures are usually spotted in front of the computer, typing random rubbish on the tagbox of blogs.It is believed that these behaviours are inherited through the degeneration of a cyber nerd.

Another peculiar behaviour exhibited by RIKs is the singing of weird songs. Songs such as 'doing your mom' are produced and sung by such creatures to show the world how much they'd love to commit incest.

RIKs are best known for failing miserably in cyber-bullying attempts, notably the one exhibited in my tagbox.

Natural Habitat

A RIK has no natural habitat. It does not belong anywhere.

Credits to Avery for giving me the idea to blog about this

Height

2009-10-14T21:43:00.001+08:00

What is a short person?

In the competitive world of height, Dwarves stand at the top of the trade in first place.

The issue of height might be a rather sensitive one, but this is not true towards the family of Dwarves. Being called short is not a matter of insult towards these people. As a matter of fact, these people actually consider being called short the equivalent to honouring their race.

The influence of Dwarves have spread so much over the years that even Oxford has agreed that Dwarves are to share the same spot in the thesaurus as the 'short person'.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This picture clearly displays short people’s innate fetish for pale women"][/caption]

How does one tell if another person is short?

One can tell a short person apart from an average human by simply visiting a local bar and paying particular attention to the lady with the palest skin. It has been scientifically proven that short people are attracted to pale women. Therefore anyone standing close to the pale woman should be automatically considered short.
However, there are other ways for one to differentiate a short person from the crowd. As a general rule, one is deemed short if he or she coincides with any of the following:

Has low self esteem

Strongly attracted to Goths/Ghosts

Masochists; It is an exotic sight to be able to see a short person not being bullied

Usually seen being kidnapped and/or held hostage

That's not all. There are still unsolved mysteries about short people that we cannot even begin to imagine. The difference in height changes our perception of the world entirely.

How does one grow taller?

When we talk about height, what immediately comes to mind are the giraffes. Giraffes are the tallest animals in the world. Why are the giraffes so tall then? It's all in their method of giving birth, ergo it is only natural for us to follow their example in giving birth.

Giraffes are known to give birth in a standing position and have their calf fall from a height of 2m. This is the obvious reason for the giraffes' height. Likewise, we should give birth by having our babies fall from a height, but why stop at 2m? With advancements in technology and high-rise buildings, we humans can take it to a whole different level. Give birth at the 10th storey and have your child fall from that height. At this rate, you will be tall in no time!

What should one do when one encounters a short person?

In the event a wild short person appears when one is walking in the tall grass, one has to remain composed. Remember: short people will not attack unless provoked.

Engage the short person in a staring contest until it sleeps before throwing pokeballs at the short person. Patience is the key.

Obesity

2009-10-11T08:36:00.001+08:00

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Structure of an average American in order of McDonald's influence"][/caption]

Invention of Fats

Fats was first invented by McDonald's in 1940.

McDonald's is a transnational corporation which uses globalisation to redistribute fats from developing countries to developed countries.

Left wing supporters suggests that McDonald's was established in an attempt to save the developing nations from gluttony. However, the more convincing right wing critics believe that this was not true. They claim that Ronald McDonald used McDonald's as a tool to satisfy his lust for fat woman. This plan was obviously successful- within a year, America have grown to become twice its original size.

Presence of Fats in Men

Fats in men is near non-existent- or so it may seem.

Fats in males are only present in certain sub-species of men. One such species is the useless bum.

Useless bums are known to selfishly keep most of the fats in men to themselves. More often than not, they stay hidden from the outside world, living a virtual life in front of their computers. These unusual characteristics make outsiders think that normal men do not have fats when in reality, the fats have all been locked up in the basement of a useless bum's parents' home.

Presence of Fats in Women

Fats appears to be most noticeable in women, particularly women between the age of 13-19- the teenagers.

This is apparent because teenage women tend to disregard their actual BMI and scrutinise their fats, hence forcing men to agree that they are fat. Such behaviour is usually followed by depression and later becoming Emo.

Despite what women think of themselves, the presence of fats is actually very minute. In fact, most teenage women strive to achieve a body fat percentage that puts them on the brink of death. This fact is usually overlooked by women as they prefer to die rather than look 'fat'.

On the plus side, this extreme form of low self esteem acts as a pillar of hope for inspiring marketing companies.

Popularity of Obesity

Obesity has become extremely popular over the years. Some have even come to regard fats as their best, if not their only, friends.

Throughout my life, I have always been a loser. I was made fun of by my peers in school and was forced to star in weight gain commercials. However, I have come to accept who I am. After drawing faces on my tummy, me and tummy buddy have become best friends. -Useless Bum

A recent survey has shown that such pitiable symptoms appear in most of the people in the United States and experts believe it is only a matter of time before the entire world suffers the same fate.

Advantages of Obesity

Obesity brings along with it several advantages, more so than one might imagine. Some advantages include:

Never get old; Obese people die young

Receive a lot of attention

Possibility of Anorexia reduced to naught

Reduced risk of being blown away in a hurricane

Be treated like a king in your death; Have dozens of men carrying your coffin

With so much to gain and so little to lose, it is no wonder the trend of obesity is picking up pace.

Can't wait to enjoy the benefits of obesity?

Grab your daily dose of fats at McDonald's now!

Author's notes: wow, my blog's view count dropped to 33 in one day.

Gay

2009-10-09T14:20:00.001+08:00

Gay

Pronunciation: \kh-rees-krock-er\
Function: noun, adj, verb, adv
Usage: Slaves

1) Happy and excited: Chris Crocker is gay. (This definition is obsolete as of year 1933)
2) A man who neglects the law of nature: Crocker is a gay.
3) A woman who cannot tell the difference between a man and woman: Chris is a gay.
4) Method to insult another person who one might consider to be inferior to them: Stop being gay, Chris.
5) The chronic disease of being a gay: Chris has caught the gay.
6) Religion of genocide: Chris is a dedicated believer of Gay.

Gayism Propaganda:
Here you see Hitler holding the flag of Gayism
on one hand and gripping his breast
on the other.

Origins

It is generally believed that the religion of 'Gayism' originated in 1933 under the facade of 'Nazism'.

Nazism (German for homosexuality), also known as Gayism, was founded in 1933 by Adolf Hitler. Nazism refers to the political idealism of unnatural sexual activities.

Originally classified as a political idea comparable to communism, bestiality and Anti-Pokemonism, Nazism was taken out of the category because of the decisive actions of Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler swiftly ordered the arrest and slaughter of millions of able Jew males who are known to have been raped by Hitler so as to instil a sexual mentality, now known as 'fear', in the minds of Germans.

Although the genocide resulted in the lost of innocent lives, it was extremely successful in spreading the idealism of Gayism. Germans were so strongly influenced by the massacre that they, too, have attained the unnatural ability of having sexual relations with people of the same sex and then killing off their gay partner. Over time however, the later act was completely left out after Hitler banned man-slaughter by unofficial-Nazis. This was because Hitler claimed he was caring for the good of the public after realising everyone was starting to kill each other resulting in the decline in population of gay gigolos that Hitler originally planned to exploit.

Other Compelling Theories

Chris Crocker

Although Hitler may have taken most of the limelight of creating Gays, some still argue that Hitler was not the original Gay. One such theory suggests that Chris Crocker was the original gay.

This theory suggests that the internet celebrity, who apparently defended Britney Spears in her time of need on YouTube, started the religion of Gay-ism. The basis of this theory actually stems from the unorthodox pronunciation of the word which coincides with Chris Crocker's name. However, critics who enjoy stretching the truth has even gone so far to say that Chris Crocker inspired innocent young minds to join the religion of Gayism which was thought to have been extinct at the time.

Unfortunately, this theory has numerous loopholes. First of all, Chris was inspired by Britney Spears hence it is unfair to credit Chris for the start of the Gayism. However, it is also unfair to say that Britney Spears started Gayism because she, too, became gay because of Hitler.

Disease

In the modern world, Gayism is no longer considered a religion. In fact, scientists have even started to theorise that gay is actually a genetic disease.

Scientists claim that some people are just born gay:

"The disease of gay is actually the result of sugar, spice, and everything nice (with a little chemical X) which modifies the X and Y chromosomes, creating a whole new chromosome we like to call the G(ay)-chromosome." -Chris Crocker, expert in gay and Gayism.

Indeed, this discovery has changed the way we look at gays. People of all ages all around the world have stopped making fun of gays after hearing the truth of the tragic fate endured by all gays. Instead, they have started making fun of their parents for having such pathetic genes and some even making fun of the genes in the gays themselves. However, gays should not be disappointed that they are no longer showered with spit and insults. Statistics show that it is only a matter of time before the gays become the centre of attention once again. =]

Other Gay Related Issues:

Homophobia

There is a widespread misconception that homophobia is the fear of gays. This is not true. Homophobia is the fear of not being able to bully a gay for at least once in their lives. Everyone needs to make fun of gays in their face at least once in their lives to be able to attain happiness.

In fact, reports have shown that 1 in every 0.5 gays are bullied in high school daily. This ground breaking report was the first report ever to show how amazing gays really are; They are the only group of people who have managed to have more than 100% of it's population in any given report. Unfortunately, even with such high statistics, not every child would have the opportunity to bully a gay once in their lives because their population is too small.

Are you gay?

Many people are confused over their actual gender and want to know whether they are gay. I have compiled a list of common gay properties to hopefully give these people an insight to their actual gender.

Properties of a gay

Low melting point (cries easily)

High boiling point (can be bullied for an extended period of time)

Squarish moustachular structure

Coonducts STD's (AIDS)

Displaces Jews from their homeland

Has chemistry with other gays

Decomposes in the presence of Britney Spears rants to form water and messed make-up

Reacts with fire to form insurance money and worldwide recognition

Can be easily cut with a knife

Produces screeching sounds of agony during electrolysis

Dhism

2009-10-06T17:57:00.001+08:00

Definition of D-hism

-The complete trust in me God.
-The extermination of gays.
-An inedible food.
-The hate of gays.
-An incurable disease.

Origins

D-hism originated from the idealism of an individual who apparently had way too much free time on his hands. Unlike normal teenagers who spend their time playing dota or sitting on a study desk scrolling through books, D, the God of D-hism, spent time writing numerous blog posts to kill his time (and yours) for the benefit of all mankind.

Followers

Followers of D-hism are obliged to save the world from the terror of Global Warming, Terrorism, Goths and Emos. However, what's more important is for followers to finance my pocket money contribute to the welfare of the religion and allow me to manipulate your life have complete trust in God.

Baptism

Baptism is not needed in D-hism. Do not fret, you have already been forced to join are automatically enlisted as a follower the moment you visited this page.

Morals

Gays deserve to die!

Food

Like how Buddhists cannot eat cows and Muslim cannot eat pigs, D-hism disallows feasting on certain food too. Namely: Pokemon.
It should be a crime to kill Pokemon. Save the endangered Pokemons!

Rituals

Followers of D-hism need to conduct one of the following rituals every month:
-Kill a gay
-Buy a gay to torture from eBay
-Adopt a child and train him up to continue the chain of gay abuse

Conversion

Do not worry if you already have a religion that does not allow you to convert! D-hism's laws override all such religious rules. Feel free to join any time!
Moreover, D-hism gives you the privilege of becoming a permanent tax-payer follower. Do not miss out on this once in a lifetime chance!

Advantages

There are numerous advantages of being a follower of D-hism. However, the most prominent advantage comes in the form of free money!
Do other religions give you that? No!
(Of course, like all other religions, a lifetime contribution of your income is a must)

Disadvantages
Becoming a follower is not refundable.

What are you waiting for? Start believing in God today!

Handling Break-Ups

2009-10-05T20:10:00.000+08:00

Author's notes: Haven't written a good post in a long time. =D

Misrelationships

Relationships are a common occurrence in the world of homocide. It is only natural for teenagers to get into a relationship (or more) to have the joy of aborting babies. However, all good things have to come to an end. Coincidentally, all break ups come in the form of one of the following scenarios:

-Your girlfriend dumped you for another guy who apparently consumed more steroids than you
-Your boyfriend dumped you for another woman who is more 'silicon-sculptured'
-Even worse, your boyfriend has left you for another man and he claims that 'she' is hotter than you

These scenarios mark the time for you to prove yourself worthy of your ex's love. The time for you to follow the guide of salvation has come.

Step 1: Communication is the key

Many people believe that the best way to get back with your ex is to get into another relationship to make your ex jealous. This is wrong! The best way is through communication.

The most effective way of communicating with them is through msn messenger. Msn allows you to hide your pitiful state while still being able to show you really care. It is advisable to spend between 23 to 24hours a day sending messages explaining how much you really love your ex. However, you might want to spend 25hours a day on it because everyone knows the level of your love is determined by the amount of time you spend spamming their message window.

Step 2: Bypassing the communication blockade

Unfortunately, this method may not always be possible. Your ex may even inexplicably block all of your messages. What do you do then?

The wisest thing to do would be to adapt to the situation. Be one with the messenger, exploit it's loopholes.Yahoo, AIM and Skype are all free and very effective hosts which will help you in your quest to communicate with your ex forever. You should not be deterred by such childish mistakes your ex has made. Show them you really care by repeatedly messaging them even with the obstacles.

Step 3: Get into another relationship to make your ex jealous

Indeed, I have stated that such means is wrong earlier. However, I understand that people would still stubbornly follow the conventional, primitive method of handling breakups.
To satisfy the unethical needs of such people, I would dedicate this short but (hopefully) useful section to help one choose the perfect guinea pig.

For guys:
-Pick a girl who has a wealthy financial background.
-Make sure to insult her less than satisfactory looks often so that she would starve herself and modify her bodily and facial features with plastic surgery

For girls:
-Pick any guy with a background of gangsterism because these people usually have a lower IQ than an average human being
-Date him in a gym and allow him to consume steroids
-Use your charms to convince him to work out

For bisexuals:
Give up. You have no hope.

With your guinea pig ready for action, take regular walks with them outside the corridor of your ex's house. It's important to pay particular attention to the time span when you are within your ex's line of sight. Caress your guinea pig and work the same moves you used on your ex in the past. This would remind your ex of how important you really are to them and they will come crawling back to you in no time.

Step 4: Desperate Measures

Your ex hasn't gotten back together you even after all your hard work? It is time to execute Plan B.

Do at least one of the following:
-Wait outside your ex's house and observe his or her every move.
-Take photos of your ex in secret. This shows them how much you really love them.
-Hire assasins to kill your ex's new lover. It does not necessarily make him or her come back to you but gives you an edge over your dead competitor.
-Show up outside your ex's house naked. This gives you a head start against your competitors.
-Call your ex when you are observing him or her sleeping in the middle of the night. Tell your ex that he or she looks really cute while asleep. Be sure to comment on their attire and sleeping habits to show your dedication.
-Give your ex a pleasant surprise. Walk into your ex's house when no one is around a paste candid photos of your ex all over the walls. This should only be attempted after years of phototaking experience.

Recollections

Remember never to give up hope after any breakup. If you follow this guide, you are almost guaranteed to get back together with your ex. However, your willpower is what eventually drives your ex into a corner. Hard work and dedication is the key to success.

Handling Break-Ups

2009-10-05T16:10:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Haven't written a good post in a long time. =D

Misrelationships

Relationships are a common occurrence in the world of homocide. It is only natural for teenagers to get into a relationship (or more) to have the joy of aborting babies. However, all good things have to come to an end. Coincidentally, all break ups come in the form of one of the following scenarios:

-Your girlfriend dumped you for another guy who apparently consumed more steroids than you
-Your boyfriend dumped you for another woman who is more 'silicon-sculptured'
-Even worse, your boyfriend has left you for another man and he claims that 'she' is hotter than you

These scenarios mark the time for you to prove yourself worthy of your ex's love. The time for you to follow the guide of salvation has come.

Step 1: Communication is the key

Many people believe that the best way to get back with your ex is to get into another relationship to make your ex jealous. This is wrong! The best way is through communication.

The most effective way of communicating with them is through msn messenger. Msn allows you to hide your pitiful state while still being able to show you really care. It is advisable to spend between 23 to 24hours a day sending messages explaining how much you really love your ex. However, you might want to spend 25hours a day on it because everyone knows the level of your love is determined by the amount of time you spend spamming their message window.

Step 2: Bypassing the communication blockade

Unfortunately, this method may not always be possible. Your ex may even inexplicably block all of your messages. What do you do then?

The wisest thing to do would be to adapt to the situation. Be one with the messenger, exploit it's loopholes.Yahoo, AIM and Skype are all free and very effective hosts which will help you in your quest to communicate with your ex forever. You should not be deterred by such childish mistakes your ex has made. Show them you really care by repeatedly messaging them even with the obstacles.

Step 3: Get into another relationship to make your ex jealous

Indeed, I have stated that such means is wrong earlier. However, I understand that people would still stubbornly follow the conventional, primitive method of handling breakups.
To satisfy the unethical needs of such people, I would dedicate this short but (hopefully) useful section to help one choose the perfect guinea pig.

For guys:
-Pick a girl who has a wealthy financial background.
-Make sure to insult her less than satisfactory looks often so that she would starve herself and modify her bodily and facial features with plastic surgery

For girls:
-Pick any guy with a background of gangsterism because these people usually have a lower IQ than an average human being
-Date him in a gym and allow him to consume steroids
-Use your charms to convince him to work out

For bisexuals:
Give up. You have no hope.

With your guinea pig ready for action, take regular walks with them outside the corridor of your ex's house. It's important to pay particular attention to the time span when you are within your ex's line of sight. Caress your guinea pig and work the same moves you used on your ex in the past. This would remind your ex of how important you really are to them and they will come crawling back to you in no time.

Step 4: Desperate Measures

Your ex hasn't gotten back together with you even after all your hard work? It is time to execute Plan B.

Do at least one of the following:
-Wait outside your ex's house and observe his or her every move.
-Take photos of your ex in secret. This shows them how much you really love them.
-Hire assasins to kill your ex's new lover. It does not necessarily make him or her come back to you but gives you an edge over your dead competitor.
-Show up outside your ex's house naked. This gives you a head start against your competitors.
-Call your ex when you are observing him or her sleeping in the middle of the night. Tell your ex that he or she looks really cute while asleep. Be sure to comment on their attire and sleeping habits to show your dedication.
-Give your ex a pleasant surprise. Walk into your ex's house when no one is around a paste candid photos of your ex all over the walls. This should only be attempted after years of phototaking experience.

Recollections

Remember never to give up hope after any breakup. If you follow this guide, you are almost guaranteed to get back together with your ex. However, your willpower is what eventually drives your ex into a corner. Hard work and dedication is the key to success.

Round-a-bout

2009-10-03T19:02:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Damn it, I don't have time to update my blog until maybe Monday.

I guess I'll just write a really short one as a filler although that would be very hard since I can't exactly get to the point.

Anyway, I'd like to boast about my prelim results!

What are your preliminary examination results?
If you ask me, my prelims results is actually nothing to be proud of. It is only means of preparing me for the 'o' levels which is, by the way, an official exam that is recognised world wide. It is an exam in where people who have bigger brains than those living in the UK gather to show the world how dumb the people in UK really are.

That's very nice, but what are your prelim results?
Once again, my prelims results are actually a preview of the real exam that is the 'o' levels. This is actually a very interesting fact because the prelims is actually supposed to be tougher than the actual exams just to trick the students into wanting to do better for their o's. This is very ironic because many students get really upset when they do badly during the prelims and this affects their actual 'o' level results.

For God's sake, what the hell are your prelim results?
I do not believe that my prelim results are capable of bringing heaven and hell together. However, I believe that anything is possible with God around. If I my prelim results are godly enough, it might be possible to bring hell into the equation no matter how tough it sounds. There is no barrier that God, as well as us, cannot overcome.

Why can't you just tell me your prelim results?
Please refer to the 2nd paragraph.

Round-a-bout

2009-10-03T15:02:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Damn it, I don't have time to update my blog until maybe Monday.

I guess I'll just write a really short one as a filler although that would be very hard since I can't exactly get to the point.

Anyway, I'd like to boast about my prelim results!

What are your preliminary examination results?
If you ask me, my prelims results is actually nothing to be proud of. It is only means of preparing me for the 'o' levels which is, by the way, an official exam that is recognised world wide. It is an exam in where people who have bigger brains than those living in the UK gather to show the world how dumb the people in UK really are.

That's very nice, but what are your prelim results?
Once again, my prelims results are actually a preview of the real exam that is the 'o' levels. This is actually a very interesting fact because the prelims is actually supposed to be tougher than the actual exams just to trick the students into wanting to do better for their o's. This is very ironic because many students get really upset when they do badly during the prelims and this affects their actual 'o' level results.

For God's sake, what the hell are your prelim results?
I do not believe that my prelim results are capable of bringing heaven and hell together. However, I believe that anything is possible with God around. If my prelim results are godly enough, it might be possible to bring hell into the equation no matter how tough it sounds. There is no barrier that God, as well as us, cannot overcome.

Why can't you just tell me your prelim results?
Please refer to the 2nd paragraph.

Funeral

2009-09-30T20:08:00.001+08:00

We are gathered here today to commemerate the death of a dear friend, Pilot G-2, the blue pen. G-2 was called back to the plastic recycling industry on the 29th Sep 2009.

Let us see what the unrepentant murderer has to say.
Shuxin: It's just a pen, deshun. It's just a pen!
May God forgive this woman for she has sinned.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us first ignore those words of defiance and hear what some of our other reliable sources have to say.

Deshun: G-2 has been a helpful and meaningful partner to me. It has been a wonderful addition to my life by providing me with the ability to produce literature. Although you are redundant with the invention of Microsoft Words, you will still be forever in my heart. Once again, I'm sorry for leaving you on the table G-2. I shouldn't have left you alone and astray, susceptible to external forces of brutality from Shuxin. Please forgive my blunder.

Avery: I'm not sure I like the taste. G-2 is no cigarette, it's not important.

Adolf Hitler: I am critisised for killing Jews and starting WW2 but what is this compared to what Shuxin has done? Just look at her- she killed deshun's pen! What is the world coming to when I am critised in my death but Shuxin isn't?
-World peace.

G-2: For the hundredth time, I'm not dead! My handle's broken off, that's all!

Funeral

2009-09-30T16:08:00.001+08:00

Musical Artists

2009-09-28T19:47:00.005+08:00

What Makes a Musical Artist?

Many people have been wondering whether they'll do well in the musical career. To help them in their quest to attain this knowledge, I have compiled a list of useful information about existing musical artists.

Talent

Contrary to popular belief, talent for singing, or any talent at all for that matter, is not needed to become a pop star. What is needed, however, is to be sponsored by Disney. Recording studios; audio editing; live-music syncing; bribery; Disney has everything needed to build up anybody without a talent for music. It is no wonder many young, inspiring artists turn to Disney to transform them from loser to pop star.
It is a fairly quick yet effective process: Sign a contract with Disney channel to guarantee your slavery for a number of years and you will magically become a pop star. Some of this experimental success include the likes of Zac Effron, Miley Cirus and Vanessa En Hudgens.

Looks

One of the most important aspects needed to be sponsored by Disney and also to maintain publicity. Getting a nose job, bleaching skin, getting a boob job are some of the things pop stars do to makes them feel better about their mediocre looks.
Although most of these acts of defiance against nature usually end in utter failure, it actually places public scrutiny on a pop star's views on 'what God has given us'. Just look at people like Michael Jackson. Before: Black, ugly. After: White, repulsive. However, this controversial topic adds to a pop-star's popularity. This brings us to our next point.

Popularity

Pop stars are masters of this trade. They have many means of gaining popularity other than the above mentioned act of customising Mother Nature. There is a growing misconception that pop stars are popular because of their music. This is not true. Pop stars in fact gain their popularity through sex scandals and posing nude on any magazine that would pay them. It is a general rule to get into the minds of lecherous men before releasing your album.
People like Janet Jackson, Britney Spears and Vanessa En Hudgens are hardcore followers of this rule and appear ridiculously successful.

Money

Money is an important aspect for any musical artists. Every rapper needs money to support their manufacture of drugs, rapid consumption of drugs, trafficking of drugs as well as to bribe the police when they are caught trafficking drugs. In early stages of their career, this is mostly done through self-abuse and collecting insurance money. (Many people believe this is what influenced movies such as 'Saw') However, as their careers progress, these business minded artists stoop to lower means such as 'singing for children' and helping other young 'artists'. Examples of this include big names such as 50cent and Timbaland. It is for this reason they are still not in jail and 50cent is now bankrupt.

Religion

Hidden from the eyes of the public, religion is actually what makes or breaks a good musical artist. It is believed that to be a good rock star, you have to believe in Satanism. Many rock bands pray to the devil when they show the 'devil's horns' during live stage performances and therefore corrupting innocent young minds to believe in Satanism. Other religions that greatly affected the success of other musical artists include 'Goth' and 'Punk'. Both of which are now near extinct but terrifying nevertheless. Be prepared to join the sadistic notion if you ever want to become a musical artist.

Musical Artists

2009-09-28T15:47:00.001+08:00

Bullying

2009-09-27T12:38:00.004+08:00

Definition
Bullying; the latent ability that everybody has within them to intimidate another being.

Types of bullying
The act of bullying comes in many forms, the most common being:

Physical bullying- The most common form of bullying. An average bully usually use this to make up for their lack of IQ.
Consists of mainly wedgies and slightly modified versions such as atomic wedgies, molecular wedgies and more recently, the microscopic wedgies. (ouch!)

Cyber bullying- The nerd's version of bullying. Nerds use the Internet as a form of stress relief after being physically bullied in school. It is commonly utilised by nerds who lack both physical and intellectual strength because cyber bullying requires neither.
Consists mostly of broken dialogues such as 'Come lah, scared is it?' when nerds lose in a dota game. Sometimes even seen spouting random street gang's names in hopes of scaring off unsuspecting physical bullies who dare step into their forte.

Gothic bullying- The solution to the war between retro bullies and cyber nerds. Gothic bullying is said to be the unholy neutral party that allows the two to achieve a balance of power and to prevent the world from falling into chaos. Their true front, however, is slightly different. The Goths use this as means of spreading their influence to fallen bullies and nerds.
It is mainly carried out by people dressed like the Grim Reaper lurking around the horrifying battlefield looking for weeping bullies at the corner of a LAN shop and nerds who have their undies stuck to their heads. With a bucket of blood on one hand and a kitchen knife on the other, they would say "Come to the dark side, we have blood." Unsurprisingly, the fallen losers all felt inclined to join the Goths.

Origins
It is generally accepted that bullying originated, like all things evil, from Emos. The Emos started the bullying trend to attract more people to join their ranks. A viable business tactic that is amazingly successful. The bullied usually seclude themselves for a day or two without food or drinks and usually coming out with numerous red lines of Emo-hood on their wrists- the proof of a successful business plan.

Be Bullied
Getting bullied is easy! Take it from a nerd: "I was once an average, physically-impaired computer geek but after attending high school, my life changed. I didn't have to do anything to earn the attention of the bullies. It was almost as if it came naturally."
Natural indeed: Nerds attract bullies like how Barrack Obama attracts racism.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the natural ability to attract bullies like the nerd. To help this less privileged group of people, I'll dedicate this guide to increase your chances of getting bullied.

Just remember NERD

Name- Having a good name is a very important leverage to getting bullied. It is not necessary to legally change your name to be bullied. Just tell your friends to call you a different name. Names like Michael Jackson work better for guys while Britney Spears work well for girls. Bisexuals do not have to worry about this point because the title of bisexual is good enough already. The trick is to find a name that is easy to make fun of.

Eradicate your friends- Friends are not needed in the world of the bullied. In fact, friends are actually hindering your progress to getting bullied. Bullies usually hunt solo and are afraid to approach a large group of prey. (Some people like to call that a self esteem issue but that has not been scientifically proven yet) Being alone will significantly increase your chances of achieving enlightenment.

Rise up to the occasion- Take advantage of every opportunity to show the bullies how pathetic you really are. Fail Physical Education classes; Be every teachers' pet; Come late for school and cry; Wear your undies on the outside. Be creative!
If that doesn't work, throw in additional incentives. Flaunting your daily allowance to the school is more useful than you think.

Deliver yourself to the bullies- If the bullies don't come to you, you should go to them. It is only polite for you to approach people to ask for their humble services. Bullies aren't very hard to find. Just follow the symphony of other screaming nerds.

Bullying

2009-09-27T08:38:00.001+08:00

The Incredible Not A Scam System

2009-09-25T13:01:00.011+08:00

Author's notes: Hover your cursor over orange words.

Get Rich!

Are you a student? Do you not have enough money to finance your basic needs such as getting your $10,000 watch? Are you jealous that your friend has a daily allowance of $10 while you only have $9.99? Are you a bum who lives with his parents and hopes for a a lifetime sinecure?

If you answered yes to all those questions, then you are in luck! This revolutionary marketing scheme will guarantee that you earn $1,000,000 in less than a day. You (yes, even YOU) will be able to make money out of the 'Not a Scam System'.

How It Works

'How is this possible?' You might ask. First of all, the 'Not a Scam System' is based off the marketing ~~scam~~ genius of Multi-Level-Marketing. This means that you will sell... (umm...) and you can start making money immediately! To ensure sustained income, you can even call your friends and family to participate in this marketing scheme and make them your minions! Get your minions to ~~sell the fraud~~ make money for you and ensuring that you earn more money doing absolutely nothing! Yes, that's right. You actually earn money for doing nothing!

For a limited time only, we, in 'Not a Scam System', will personally ensure that you that you will be paid a hefty sum of $200,000 an hour excluding bonuses once you sign up.

You wish.

Testimonials

'Too good to be true' you say? Take a look at what some of our 'Not a Scam'-ers have to say:

"Because of the 'Not a Scam System', I can finally have all 8 of my meals at Subway everyday. I am forever indebted to your generosity." -Jeffrey, 16, ordinary secondary school student.

"The 'Not a Scam System' has allowed me to buy countless 2x exp cards to achieve 4 level 200 characters on MapleStory. To that, I am truly grateful." -ShadowSin, a ~~maple addict~~ MapleSEA celebrity.

"Burn in hell! My nose is in this state because of all the money I made from-" -Sorry about that, Michael Jackson was claiming that it was our fault his plastic surgeon screwed up.

"Dude! This 'Not a Scam System' is amazing! I am what I am now because of it. You guys have to try this!" -Barrack Obama, became President of the US thanks to the money he made.

~No problem brother, call us up if you ever need help with one of those 'undesirable' politicians again. ;)

Registration

Can't wait to sign up? Just ~~send me~~ e-mail your name, credit card information, address, credit card, and house keys to NotAScamSystem@scammers.com.

Follow these simple instructions to start earning money today!

Author's notes: Many of my friends have been telling me that they do not have much money to spend these days which inspired me to write this post. I hope this will help you in your quest to solve your financial problems.

The Incredible Not A Scam System

2009-09-25T09:01:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Hover your cursor over orange words.

Get Rich!

How It Works

For a limited time only, we, in 'Not a Scam System', will personally ensure that you that you will be paid a hefty sum of $200,000 an hour excluding bonuses once you sign up.

You wish.

Testimonials

'Too good to be true' you say? Take a look at what some of our 'Not a Scam'-ers have to say:

"Because of the 'Not a Scam System', I can finally have all 8 of my meals at Subway everyday. I am forever indebted to your generosity." -Jeffrey, 16, ordinary secondary school student.

"Burn in hell! My nose is in this state because of all the money I made from-" -Sorry about that, Michael Jackson was claiming that it was our fault his plastic surgeon screwed up.

"Dude! This 'Not a Scam System' is amazing! I am what I am now because of it. You guys have to try this!" -Barrack Obama, became President of the US thanks to the money he made.

~No problem brother, call us up if you ever need help with one of those 'undesirable' politicians again. ;)

Registration

Can't wait to sign up? Just ~~send me~~ e-mail your name, credit card information, address, credit card, and house keys to NotAScamSystem@scammers.com.

Follow these simple instructions to start earning money today!

Domestic Workers

2009-09-24T12:57:00.023+08:00

Author's notes: Sorry, I gave up on both Stalin and Murder because I realised the post sucks. =[

I'm going to write about something more interesting this time.

Disclaimer: This post is meant purely for entertainment purposes and is in no way encouraging inhumane acts of bullying.

Introduction

Abuse of domestic workers, or maids as you like to call it, have been a hot topic on the newspapers these days. It is sad to say that people, in Singapore especially, have been caught following the trend of Maid Abuse. These Singaporeans are morons. To rectify this problem, I will dedicate this post to educate readers on the necessary skills required to carry out Abuse of Maids.

How-tos - The Comprehensive Guide to Maid Abuse

Step 1: Hire a maid

This is the most important step to the guide. To do this, you may walk into the nearest maid agency and have your pick at the one which most satisfies your lust to torture. All the maids might look like they have more or less an equal amount of skill within them but do not be fooled. There are usually some who do not have a good command of the English language. Understanding their cries of sadness is a plus.

Note: There have been talks of some people with low intellectual abilities who mistakenly leave out this step and this has resulted in epic failure. So be sure to do this right.

Step 2: Go Shopping

This step might seem redundant to some seeing that people who read this post would already have tools of torture already lined up in their house. However, this would serve as a reminder for the average psychopath and is actually a very important step for first time maid abusers. Get ready your shopping bags and walk on to the nearest convenience store. Convenience stores such as 7-11 and Cheers (ironically) sell all sort of weapons required for near-murderous acts so you do not have to look far.

Axes and spears work better than the standard kitchen knife. However, vegetables would also suffice as a torture device because everyone hates vegetables. Ropes and handcuffs are mandatory. Duct tapes are useful too, but not entirely necessary.

I have received feedback that some people like to use onions to tender up their victims by allowing them to tear first. You might want to try that when you gain more experience.

Tips: Be sure not to grab guns of any sort because it would be too obvious a violation of the law and you would be caught before you have the chance to do anything substantial. Axes and spears are okay, but not guns.

Step 3: Spike the Drink

(Important!) People usually skip this step because they feel that they would be able to man-handle their maids easily. That way of thinking is wrong and might get you jailed. Do not leave out this step!

Spiking the drink is a very simple process. To do that you must first acquire some drugs from the local hippie. If you don't know where the hippies are, just look for some dark, deserted corner in an alley. They will be there. If you are a wimp and dare not step into the alleys, do not fret. You can still pick the less cost-effective option and buy packs of sleeping pills from the local clinic.

With the drugs in your hand, carefully place the drugs into a bottle of fluid and stir it until it dissolves.

Tips: Try not to use plain water. Humans are known to be observant when it comes to drinking murky water. A can of Coca Cola is readily available and usually costs less than a dollar, it's all worth the money. Also, remember to label the cup that you spiked 'spiked'. You do not want to spike yourself by accident.

Step 4: The Abuse

If you are at this step, congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming a homicidal maniac!

After allowing your maid to consume the spiked drink, wait for a few minutes before she dozes off into unconsciousness. A good hippie would provide you with a drug with almost instantaneous effects but the corrupt doctors probably wouldn't be as generous. Wait for 15 minutes tops, and if she still hasn't fainted, make her another cup of those magically delicious drinks. Do not be impatient and feed her too much, you don't want her to die yet.

When she has fainted, this is your chance to act. The helpless fool is now defenceless against your superiority because you followed my guide properly. With your maid unconscious, find means of restricting her movements. This is where the ropes and handcuffs come in. Tie her onto a chair or to a table depending on your obscene fetishes.

Get ready your weapons because this is where the fun starts! With your preferred weapon in hand, scrape a blackboard repeatedly until your maid awakens. At this point, she would already feel tortured because the first thing she saw when she woke up would be your face.

From here, it is all free-style. Proceed to do whatever entertains your sick mind!

Tips: Make sure that your house is sound-proof and all your curtains are closed before you proceed with this step. You do not want to get caught.

Troubleshooting

So your maid managed to escape; a stalker took a photo of you abusing your maid; you bragged about the 'fun' time you had with your maid to the police and he arrested you. In conclusion, you are screwed.

First things first, I'd like to put in few words: Haha! You got caught! Hahaha!

It might seem like are in a really difficult position right now but you do not have to worry. On the bright side, this means you are now guaranteed a ticket into free lodging and food for up to five years. However, if you are stubborn and want to pay for your own house and food, you can still follow the rest of the guide.

Do the following:

1) You can find a lawyer without a sense of justice to help you with your case. Like many other maniacs who were caught abusing their maids, you could claim that 'the maid hit herself' or 'I tripped and fell on a flat surface and accidentally landed on my maid while wearing spiked clothings'. Your lawyer will help you spice up your tale.

This doesn't always work as the judge might not be very gullible. If so, proceed to 2).

2) You might want to proceed to ask the judge out on a date. Work your charms on the judge and try to get into a relationship as soon as possible. This will definitely help you to at least reduce your jail term.

Do not try this if the judge is of the same gender as you are. It will have the opposite effect. If this is the case, proceed to 3)

3) Write a cheque of a value of exactly $666 and pass it to the judge discreetly claiming that you are 'sending your regards'.

If this fails too, I'd like to congratulate you for being an amazingly pathetic failure.

Author's notes: Sorry I didn't update for 2 days. My 6 day holiday is over so I don't really have much time to write now. =/

Author's notes: You guys should visit Avery's and maybe Amira's blogs. Their posts are great.

Domestic Workers

2009-09-24T08:57:00.001+08:00

Author's notes: Sorry, I gave up on both Stalin and Murder because I realised the post sucks. =[

I'm going to write about something more interesting this time.

Disclaimer: This post is meant purely for entertainment purposes and is in no way encouraging inhumane acts of bullying.

Introduction

How-tos - The Comprehensive Guide to Maid Abuse

Step 1: Hire a maid

Note: There have been talks of some people with low intellectual abilities who mistakenly leave out this step and this has resulted in epic failure. So be sure to do this right.

Step 2: Go Shopping

I have received feedback that some people like to use onions to tender up their victims by allowing them to tear first. You might want to try that when you gain more experience.

Step 3: Spike the Drink

With the drugs in your hand, carefully place the drugs into a bottle of fluid and stir it until it dissolves.

Step 4: The Abuse

If you are at this step, congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming a homicidal maniac!

From here, it is all free-style. Proceed to do whatever entertains your sick mind!

Tips: Make sure that your house is sound-proof and all your curtains are closed before you proceed with this step. You do not want to get caught.

Troubleshooting

First things first, I'd like to put in few words: Haha! You got caught! Hahaha!

Do the following:

This doesn't always work as the judge might not be very gullible. If so, proceed to 2).

Do not try this if the judge is of the same gender as you are. It will have the opposite effect. If this is the case, proceed to 3)

3) Write a cheque of a value of exactly $666 and pass it to the judge discreetly claiming that you are 'sending your regards'.

If this fails too, I'd like to congratulate you for being an amazingly pathetic failure.

Author's notes: Sorry I didn't update for 2 days. My 6 day holiday is over so I don't really have much time to write now. =/

Author's notes: You guys should visit Avery's and maybe Amira's blogs. Their posts are great.

The Apple and Goths

2009-09-21T15:13:00.019+08:00

This post is brought to you by Rebecca's opinion that I should write about Goths.

Goths

Because I had very little knowledge about Goths, I looked it up on wikipedia (because wikipedia is always right) and I found out that Goths are actually an East Germanic tribe. This is a very shocking fact because this means that the Goths were actually people that lived through the nightmares of both Hitler's and Stalin's rule. It is no wonder the Goths developed an extremely bad fashion sense wearing make-up with excessive eye lining, sporting torn clothes found from the dumps which are dyed black and overall, dressed in a way that blends them in with the darkness. Sadly, their unnatural ghoul-like nature is the result of blending in with their surroundings to avoid being detected by the Goth hunting Hitlers and Stalins. However, the Goths have stayed strong and have made a visible impact on history. The most notable being the inspiration for the creation of the Pokemon 'Gastly'. This name actually comes from the ghastly nature of hardcore Goths who actually blend in so much with their surroundings that they actually scare off incoming Nazis and Soviets. This, however, does not mean that the Goths do not still contribute to mordern society. What people do not know is the Goths' major involvement in the development of the iPhone.

The Emo and the iPod

Author's notes: This part of the post contains several reference to my post on 18th Sep 2009.

It all started when a couple of teenage Goths bumped into one of their primative devolutions- and also the direct descendants of the great (D)emocracy tribe- the Emo. These Goths were visibly upset as they had been made fun of in school for their lack of individualism and for being the predecessors of mere clones which lost in a fight against Bunnies. In order to ease their frustrations, the pack of Goths decided to vent their anger on the lone Emo.

"Quit being an Emo! Goths are so much cooler than Emos with the addition of our spiked dog collars!" The Goths complained.

Although, their secondary motive was to convince the Emo to convert to a Goth by pointing out the similarities between the two tribes, this, however, had sparked the Emo to do what he does best. The Emo started to cry while carrying out self abuse and writing a poem about how sad his life was at the same time. (He had actually gained this multi-tasking ability through posting millions of videos of himself Emo-ing on MySpace)

The Goths, wanting to show the Emo how pathetic he was, then rummaged their bags for a camera. However, they couldn't find anything other than the iPod that they used to listen to really bad rock music. That was when the idea struck them.

'Why not create an iPod with a camera without flash so that we can make fun of Emos while still staying in the dark?' The Goth with the thickest make-up (which therefore makes him the leader) suggested.

Creation of the First Prototype

However, what seemed like a suggestion on the surface wasn't so innocent on the inside. The Goth buddies knew that what the leader suggested was absolute and hence put the Geek-Goths on the job. This put unnecessary stress on the Geek-Goths because their original task was to publicise the Goth culture through YouTube but were forced into installing a camera into an iPod this time.

The rumours that the Gothic culture being 'Black is Cool' is actually just a front Cyber-Goths put up to reel in unsuspecting Goth-to-be(s). These Geek-Goths knew this and thus had little choice but to find out a way to do it as the real Gothic law was to 'do or die'.

Miraculously, the Geek-Goths managed to pull off this seemingly impossible task. They had actually successfully installed a web cam on the iPod with a clever use of super glue and a 1km long wire extension for the Goth-Boss's travelling needs.

The Goth-Boss was very pleased with his minions' invention and started marketing the new product in school. The sales of the new iPod-Cam sky-rocketed which generated a huge revenue. The Goth-Boss spent this money wisely by buying even more spiked dog collars for his puppies and spending millions of dollars on make-up for the future.

This became the Golden Age of the Goth culture.

Apple Falls In

Unfortunately, this Gothic boom was short-lived.

Before long, Apple received word of the Goth's outrageous development. Apple's foreign relations board then proceeded to follow standard procedures for such a situation and first referred to their 'Terms of Service' (which isn't really needed because just about everything is a violation to their Terms of Service anyway). However, the Goths were very perceptive and had removed Term No.72387460921358 of Apple's Terms of Service which read 'In using the iPod, Goths must agree that they will not tamper with the iPod in ways which involve installing web cams on any surface of the iPod with the use of super glue.'

However, the Apple Staff, did not falter. Of course they didn't- they had no reason to. The Apple Staff then proceeded to calmly carry out Step 2 on their 'Dealing with Goths who Violated the Terms of Service' handbook...

Within the next few days, everyone with a copy of an iPod-Cam died mysteriously and the Goths who knew about the iPod-Cam slowly began to degenerate into Emos because they stopped all communications with humans and became depressed. The only leads the FBI had was that the victims' corpses lay beside a fallen apple and all their bodies were found shaded under an apple tree. What the FBI did not know was that all of the victim's iPod-Cam inexplicably disappeared.

The iPhone

The results of the Goths becoming Emo, the people with an iPod-Cam dying and the iPod-Cam disappearance made it appear almost as if the iPod-Cam has never existed.

Apple then quietly released the first generation of iPhone after the news of the death died down...

Never defy the Apple.